Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 30th September, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th September, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Time Tested
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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good
ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
~George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea ...
Visit people only once a year.
~Victor Borge

What would men be without women?
Scarce, sir .. mighty scarce.
~Mark Twain

By all means, marry.
If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
~Socrates

I was married by a judge.
I should have asked for a jury.
~Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.
Every now and then she stops to breathe.
~Jimmy Durante

The male is a domestic animal which,
if treated with firmness and kindness,
can be trained to do most things.
~Jilly Cooper

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
~ Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
~Alex Levine

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living.
The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
~Mark Twain

Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
~Spike Milligan

What's the use of happiness?
It can't buy you money.
~Henny Youngman

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up'.
~Joe Namath

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
~Herbert Henry Asquith

I don't feel old.
I don't feel anything until noon.
Then it's time for my nap.
~Bob Hope

A woman drove me to drink ...
and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her.
~W.C. Fields

It takes only one drink to get me drunk.
The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth
or the fourteenth.
~George Burns

The cardiologist's diet:
If it tastes good ... spit it out.
~Unknown

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
~Billy Crystal






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SpicyJokes.com - Funny Everyday jokes

Redneck Jokes :: #4008 By lula pawn from Afghanistan Q. How can you tell if you are staying in a red neck hotel? A. If you call to the front desk and say you have got a leak in your sink and they say go ahead Forward this joke to your friends >>   Words of Knowledge :: #213 By Alexander Tapia from El Paso USA. Self-Esteem To dream of the person you would like to be is to waste the person you are. - Kurt Cobain     SpicyJokes.com - www.spicyjokes.com 999 E Touhy Ave, Des Plaines, IL 60018 1995-2011 © All rights reserved. Unsubscribe from SpicyJokes.com sent to dailyjokes@inspiredgfx.com

A Joke A Day - Funny everyday Jokes

Bar & Drinking Jokes :: #33 By Lars Espen Hanssen from Unknown Embarrassing Situations! A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the other end. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" By now, the entire bar is staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200!" Forward this joke to your friends >>     (Sponsor this newsletter)   One-Liners :: #615 By Cougar from Seatle USA. Relationship In the absence of certainty, instinct is all you can follow.     aJokeADay.com - www.ajokeaday.com 999 E Touhy Ave, Des Plaines, IL 60018 1995-2013 © All rights reserved. Unsubscribe from aJokeADay.com sent to dailyjokes@inspiredgfx.com

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th September, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th September, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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The Outhouse
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Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out....

"Pa, You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

So.......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back,

"Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! "

Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"

Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells
back,

"Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling,

"Ma Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Ma replies,...... "Hurt's, don't it ?!"






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SpicyJokes.com - Funny Everyday jokes

Blonde Jokes :: #3686 By Rufus from MInneapolis Minnesota United States Minor Outlying Islands A blonde and a brunet are getting in the elevator, along comes this really hot guy. The girls noticed he has a really bad dandruff problem. The brunet whispers to the blonde, "Someone should give him head and shoulders", and the blonde says, "How do you give shoulders. Forward this joke to your friends >>   Weight Control :: #40 By Al Loomis from Denver USA. The Best Diet is no diet at all but a lifetime commitment to better choices! Many studies have proven that all diets have a temporary effect! The secret to losing weight is to make permanent choices in what we do. Here we have some simple long term commitments: • Commit to whole wheat bread • Drink fruit juices instead of soft drinks • Always select fruit as a dessert • Start most meal with a large salad • Use whole grain pasta, bread and rice • Take longer to eat. It takes time for your body to send its satisfaction signal • Always park your car far rather than near • Use the stairs for anything less than 4 stories • Think positive about all of the choices above. Forming good habits is the answer to long term health!     SpicyJokes.com - www.spicyjokes.com 999 E Touhy Ave, Des Plaines, IL 60018 1995-2011 © All rights reserved. Unsubscribe from SpicyJokes.com sent to dailyjokes@inspiredgfx.com

A Joke A Day - Funny everyday Jokes

Men Vs. Women Jokes :: #23559 By Anonymous from USA. A woman is a complicated creature. Before marriage, she expects a man, after marriage she suspects him, and after death she respects him. Forward this joke to your friends >>     (Sponsor this newsletter)   Words of Knowledge :: #2369 By Shabbir Morawala from Karachi Pakistan Confidence Never open a door, which you cannot close.     aJokeADay.com - www.ajokeaday.com 999 E Touhy Ave, Des Plaines, IL 60018 1995-2013 © All rights reserved. Unsubscribe from aJokeADay.com sent to dailyjokes@inspiredgfx.com

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th September, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th September, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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I Love Mustard
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(This is supposedly a true story.)

If you have children you will probably relate to this father.

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a
fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of very expensive, light
brown, gourmet mustard.

The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the
picnic table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was
stopped by my wife suddenly at my side. "Hold Johnny (our
six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said.

I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was
reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of
mustard on my fingers.

I love mustard.

I had no napkin.

I licked it off.

It was not mustard.

No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time
I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in
each hand I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it
on my tongue.

Later (after she stopped crying from laughing so hard) my wife
said, "Now you know why they call that mustard 'Poupon.'"






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