JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th September, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Words of Wisdom
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The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was
dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her
comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she
refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen.
Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift
the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount
into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her
lips. Mother Superior drank a little, then a little more.
Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to
the last drop.
"Mother", the nuns pleaded, "Please give us some wisdom
before you die". She raised herself up in bed with a pious
look on her face and said, "Don't sell that cow".
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Sunday, September 30, 2012
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Saturday, September 29, 2012
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th September, 2012
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th September, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Match
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A redneck farmer from back in the hills walked twelve miles, one way, to
the general store. "Heya, Wilbur," said Sam, the store owner. "Tell me,
are you and Myrtle still making fires up there by rubbing stones and
flint together?"
"You betcha, Sam. Ain't no 'tother way. Why?"
"Got something to show you. Something to make fire. It's called a
Match."
'Match? Never heard of it."
"Watch this. If you want a fire you just do this," Sam says, taking a
match and striking it on his pants."
"Huh. Well, that's something, but that ain't for me, Sam."
"Well, why not?"
"I can't be walking twelve miles to borrow your pants every time I want
a fire."
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Match
-------------------------
A redneck farmer from back in the hills walked twelve miles, one way, to
the general store. "Heya, Wilbur," said Sam, the store owner. "Tell me,
are you and Myrtle still making fires up there by rubbing stones and
flint together?"
"You betcha, Sam. Ain't no 'tother way. Why?"
"Got something to show you. Something to make fire. It's called a
Match."
'Match? Never heard of it."
"Watch this. If you want a fire you just do this," Sam says, taking a
match and striking it on his pants."
"Huh. Well, that's something, but that ain't for me, Sam."
"Well, why not?"
"I can't be walking twelve miles to borrow your pants every time I want
a fire."
-------------------------
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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th September, 2012
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th September, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Friday, September 28, 2012
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th September, 2012
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th September, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Signs Found In The Kitchen
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So this isn't Home Sweet Home ... Adjust!
Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!
I clean house every other day. Today is the other day.
If you write in the dust, please don't date it!
I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener!
A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life.
My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!
I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
If you don't like my standards of cooking ...lower your
standards.
Although you'll find our house a mess, Come in, sit down,
converse.
It doesn't always look like this: Some days it's even
worse.
A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is
delirious.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand!
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they
shall never cease to be amused.
Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and
gone on to lead normal lives.
My next house will have no kitchen ... just vending
machines.
I'd live life in the fast lane, but I am married to a
speed bump.
Mother does not live here any more, clean up your own mess.
Martha Stewart doesn't live here!!
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-------------------------
Signs Found In The Kitchen
-------------------------
So this isn't Home Sweet Home ... Adjust!
Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!
I clean house every other day. Today is the other day.
If you write in the dust, please don't date it!
I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener!
A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life.
My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!
I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
If you don't like my standards of cooking ...lower your
standards.
Although you'll find our house a mess, Come in, sit down,
converse.
It doesn't always look like this: Some days it's even
worse.
A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is
delirious.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand!
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they
shall never cease to be amused.
Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and
gone on to lead normal lives.
My next house will have no kitchen ... just vending
machines.
I'd live life in the fast lane, but I am married to a
speed bump.
Mother does not live here any more, clean up your own mess.
Martha Stewart doesn't live here!!
-------------------------
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Thursday, September 27, 2012
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th September, 2012
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th September, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Tough Day on the Golf Course
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Bob and his three golf buddies were out playing and were just starting on the back nine when Bob paused, looked down the fairway and began to sob uncontrollably.
The other three gathered around him and asked: "What's wrong?"
Bob looked down at his feet, sniffed and dried his eyes some, then apologized for his emotional outburst. "Im sorry, I always get emotional at this hole - it holds very difficult memories for me."
One of his buddies asked, "What happened? What could have gotten you so upset?"
Bob stared silently off in the distance, then said in a low voice,
"This is where my wife and I were playing 12 years ago when
she suddenly died of a heart attack; right at this very hole."
"Oh my God", the other golfers said. "That must have been horrible!"
"Horrible?! You think it`s horrible?" Bob continued still very distressed. "It was worse than that! Every hole for the rest of
the day, all the way back to the clubhouse it was hit the ball, drag Alice, hit the ball, drag Alice..."
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-------------------------
Tough Day on the Golf Course
-------------------------
Bob and his three golf buddies were out playing and were just starting on the back nine when Bob paused, looked down the fairway and began to sob uncontrollably.
The other three gathered around him and asked: "What's wrong?"
Bob looked down at his feet, sniffed and dried his eyes some, then apologized for his emotional outburst. "Im sorry, I always get emotional at this hole - it holds very difficult memories for me."
One of his buddies asked, "What happened? What could have gotten you so upset?"
Bob stared silently off in the distance, then said in a low voice,
"This is where my wife and I were playing 12 years ago when
she suddenly died of a heart attack; right at this very hole."
"Oh my God", the other golfers said. "That must have been horrible!"
"Horrible?! You think it`s horrible?" Bob continued still very distressed. "It was worse than that! Every hole for the rest of
the day, all the way back to the clubhouse it was hit the ball, drag Alice, hit the ball, drag Alice..."
-------------------------
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Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th September, 2012
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th September, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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The Amazon Parrot
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When Uncle Charlie died of old age, Bill was bequeathed his uncle's
prized Amazon parrot. This parrot was fully grown -- with a bad attitude
and a worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that
weren't expletives were, to say the very least, extremely rude.
Bill tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying
polite words, playing soft music--anything he could think of to try and
set a good example... Nothing worked. Exasperated, he yelled at the
bird. But the bird just got louder. Then he shook the parrot. But the
bird just got more angry and more rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, Bill put the parrot in the freezer.
For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking, and
screaming...
Then, suddenly, all was quiet. Bill was frightened that he might have
hurt his dead uncle's prized parrot and quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto Bill's extended arm and said, "I am
truly sorry that I might have offended you with my language and action
and I humbly ask your forgiveness. I will now, from this day forth,
endeavor to correct my behavior so that such an ill-perceived outburst
never again occurs."
Bill was completely astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was
about to ask what had caused such a dramatic change when the parrot
continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"
-------------------------
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-------------------------
The Amazon Parrot
-------------------------
When Uncle Charlie died of old age, Bill was bequeathed his uncle's
prized Amazon parrot. This parrot was fully grown -- with a bad attitude
and a worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that
weren't expletives were, to say the very least, extremely rude.
Bill tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying
polite words, playing soft music--anything he could think of to try and
set a good example... Nothing worked. Exasperated, he yelled at the
bird. But the bird just got louder. Then he shook the parrot. But the
bird just got more angry and more rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, Bill put the parrot in the freezer.
For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking, and
screaming...
Then, suddenly, all was quiet. Bill was frightened that he might have
hurt his dead uncle's prized parrot and quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto Bill's extended arm and said, "I am
truly sorry that I might have offended you with my language and action
and I humbly ask your forgiveness. I will now, from this day forth,
endeavor to correct my behavior so that such an ill-perceived outburst
never again occurs."
Bill was completely astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was
about to ask what had caused such a dramatic change when the parrot
continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"
-------------------------
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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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