SpicyJokes.com - Funny Everyday jokes

Math Jokes :: #13476 By Maryssa from California USA. A young boy was having a hard time in math and was getting very bad grades, so his parents switched him into a Catholic school. When his parents got his first report card, they were shocked. Their son miraculously had an A in math. The parents wondered what was going on, so they went to the son to ask him what sparked the sudden improvement. The son replied, "When I saw the man nailed to the plus sign on the wall, I knew they meant business!" Forward this joke to your friends >>   Stress Control :: #471 By Marissa McKinnies from San Antonio USA. Don't Fret From the very moment we were born, we were dying. So why sweat the small stuff? Learn to accept things for face value and enjoy life. Cherish every moment as though it were your last because this is your last time you will see today.     SpicyJokes.com - www.spicyjokes.com 999 E Touhy Ave, Des Plaines, IL 60018 1995-2011 © All rights reserved. Unsubscribe from SpicyJokes.com sent to dailyjokes@inspiredgfx.com

A Joke A Day - Funny everyday Jokes

Kid Jokes :: #8343 By Laura from USA. A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'" Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!" Forward this joke to your friends >>   Famous Quote :: #51 By Peter Prestipino from Chicago USA. QUOTE: Success, Emerson "To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; to leave the world a little better; whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is the meaning of success." -Ralph Waldo Emerson     aJokeADay.com - www.ajokeaday.com 999 E Touhy Ave, Des Plaines, IL 60018 1995-2011 © All rights reserved. Unsubscribe from aJokeADay.com sent to dailyjokes@inspiredgfx.com

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th June, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th June, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Why Men Aren't Secretaries
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Husband's note on refrigerator for wife:

Someone from the Gyna Colleges called.
They said the Pabst beer is normal.
I didn't know you liked beer.



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SpicyJokes.com - Funny Everyday jokes

Animal Jokes :: #71 By Sophie Cleese from USA. How to Clean a Cat Thoroughly clean the toilet. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and lift both lids. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him to the bathroom. In one smooth movement, put the cat into the toilet and close both lids. (You may need to stand on the top so he cannot escape.) CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the cat, as his paws will be reaching for anything they can find. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective. Have someone open the back door and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the garden. Stand behind the toilet as much as you can and lift both lids quickly. The freshly cleaned cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside, where he will dry himself. Sincerely, The Dog Forward this joke to your friends >>   Words of Knowledge :: #452 By Gary Smith from Logansport, IN USA. The dash When you die, you will be shown as a birth date, a death date and a dash between. Live your life so that people will remember the dash, not the numbers.     SpicyJokes.com - www.spicyjokes.com 999 E Touhy Ave, Des Plaines, IL 60018 1995-2011 © All rights reserved. Unsubscribe from SpicyJokes.com sent to dailyjokes@inspiredgfx.com

A Joke A Day - Funny everyday Jokes

Work Jokes :: #425 By Anonymous from Unknown A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 42 degrees north latitude and between 58 and 60 degrees west longitude." "You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the man, "but how did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost." The man below responded, "You must be a manager." "I am," replied the balloonist, "how did you know?" "Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are exactly in the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault." Forward this joke to your friends >>   Famous Quote :: #51 By Peter Prestipino from Chicago USA. QUOTE: Success, Emerson "To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; to leave the world a little better; whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is the meaning of success." -Ralph Waldo Emerson     aJokeADay.com - www.ajokeaday.com 999 E Touhy Ave, Des Plaines, IL 60018 1995-2011 © All rights reserved. Unsubscribe from aJokeADay.com sent to dailyjokes@inspiredgfx.com

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th June, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th June, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Zen Teachings
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1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just leave me the Hell alone.

2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

3. No one is listening until you fart.

4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of payments.

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.

13. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass... then things just keep getting worse.

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.



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SpicyJokes.com - Funny Everyday jokes

Sex Jokes :: #21382 By Akwasi Donkor from Toronto Canada THE CASE OF A PAMPERED TOY: One day the penis and the shoe of this gentleman entered into a heated argument over which one of the two was doing the dirtiest most horrifying job for the gentleman. The shoe thought the penis has rubbed it in the wrong way and the following took place: SHOE: Don't you get fresh with me; you spoilt brat!! PENIS: And how am I spoilt? SHOE: I'm made to tread in the mud and dirt. When we get home I'm left in the corridor or hanged in the closet if I'm lucky. Meanwhile, you get washed with some nice soap, dried and powdered with some nice talcum powder. You always get to go with our master to his bedroom where a nice lady would be waiting in bed to give you a nice massage. PENIS: "And for that you are jealous of me?" SHOE: Well who wouldn't like good things like that?" PENIS: Shoe, I wish I had your chores instead of what I'm made to go through! Yes, my master washes me with soap and what not; and I get to go to the bedroom with him, but that's all you know. Now listen: When we get to the bedroom our master and the said lady works on me until all my veins are pumped with blood to the point that the profiles of my veins are visible much to the envy of a vineyard twines. When I'm thus pumped up, my master guides me into a lightless, morbidly dark and slimy moist mine where I'm made to work like a galloping horse. My master would not pay any attention to me even when I'm dead tired. He will compelled me to work harder especially if the lady who controls the mine shaft urges my master on for more vigorous digging. This slavery will continue until and only until I become unconsciously nauseous and thereafter vomit. There and then my master would pull me out of the mine: weak and unconscious. Sometimes, my master would urge me on for a second shift and in some bizarre cases for a third if the shaft operator encourages my master for more. SHOE: NO WAY!! I SAY NO WAY!! I'm sorry for envying you. I will do anything but for a job whereby one has to vomit before one is excused is definitely not for me!! Forward this joke to your friends >>   Relationships :: #416 By Leann Allman from Savannah USA. All Your Faults Many people say that- you like someone "because" they have pretty eyes, a nice smile, or an elegant nose. You love the person "even though" they are not rich, a good cook, or can't put the toilet seat down. Liking someone means that you are fond of their good traits and loving someone is that you accept that other person fully even though they are not always perfect.     SpicyJokes.com - www.spicyjokes.com 999 E Touhy Ave, Des Plaines, IL 60018 1995-2011 © All rights reserved. Unsubscribe from SpicyJokes.com sent to dailyjokes@inspiredgfx.com