Tuesday, February 2, 2016

Joke of the day - God Is With Us

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Two Guys get Mugged


Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money.

They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Here's that $20 I owe you," he says.


Submitted by Super Dave

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God Is With Us - 5th place won $10


Two priests were riding very fast on a motorcycle. They were promptly stopped by a policeman who said, "What do you think you are doing?"

"What if you have an accident? The priests say, "Don't worry, my son. God is with us."

The policeman says, "In that case, I have to book you. Three people are not allowed to ride on a motorcycle."

Submitted by virgogal

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The Tip of The Day from
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Confront fear head on! #28

The best way to battle fear is never to avoid it, be alert to it, as it tends to hide from you or perhaps we want to hide from it as a defense mechanism. As soon as the feeling of fear emerges, go into yourself, first feel the emotion physically in the energy centers of your body typically tightness in your chest, solar plexus (the pit of the stomach) or your throat, then analyze your thoughts, do not resist, nothing you do can change the circumstances or person generating that feeling, no matter how bad it feels accept it as an unavoidable part of life, as you do, feel good about yourself you are becoming a better person! as each time you do this you enhanced the preparation for the next feeling of fear

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Monday, February 1, 2016

Joke of the day - Careful What You Wish For

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Insulin Shot - 8th place won $7


I'm a registered nurse, not a doctor, but here's the story:

Patient was a newly diagnosed diabetic who needed to be taught how to inject insulin. So the diabetes educator did the good old routine of taking an orange, drawing up insulin, then injecting it into the orange. He then made the patient repeat this practice routine a few times.

The patient goes home, etc. He comes back in a week and his blood sugar is out of control. They ask him if he's been taking his insulin and he goes "of course." So they decide to ask him to demonstrate how he injects insulin. The patient goes "sure, I just need an orange."

At this point I started face palming hard because I know where this one is heading. But of course they got him a orange and a vial of insulin with a syringe. So the guy draws up the insulin correctly, takes the syringe, injects it into the orange, and then says "and then I eat the orange."


Submitted by HENNE

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Careful What You Wish For - 7th place won $8


A State Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp. "This will look nice on my mantelpiece," he decides, and takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes.

"I wish for an ice cold beer right now!" He gets his beer and drinks it. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish.

"I wish to be on an island where beautiful women reside." Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully.

He tells the genie his third and last wish:

"I wish I'd never have to work ever again." POOF! He's back in his government office.


Submitted by HENNE

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The Tip of The Day from
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Ball point ink out #1856

Ever have a pen leak in your pants/shirt pockets? Well I have and it's not pretty, just use hairspray, wash by hand, if it doesn't work the first time, the second time it will come right out...

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