Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 31st March, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 31st March, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Local Brothels
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A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check
out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madame, "Is
this a union house?"

"No, I'm sorry, it isn't," said the Madame.

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he asked.

"The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20."

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street
in search of a more equitable shop.

At the second one, he asked the Madame, "Is this a union house?"

"No, I'm sorry, it isn't," said the Madame.

"If I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he asked again.

"The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20."

Again offended, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more
equitable shop.

His search continued until he finally reached a brothel where the Madame said,
"Why yes, this is a union house."

"And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he questioned.

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a
stunningly attractive redhead. "I'd like her for the night."

"I'm sure you would, sir", said the Madame while gesturing to a grotesque woman
in her seventies in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."

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Marriage Jokes :: #7282 By Anonymous from USA. A couple had been married for ten years and their sex life was becoming boring. One night, the husband came home and said to his wife, "Honey, tonight we're going to make love a different way. Tonight, we're going to do it lying back to back" "What fun is that?" the wife asked. "Plenty. I invited another couple." Forward this joke to your friends >>   Health :: #146 By Susan Lisey from Holland USA. Colon Protection Adding cauliflower florets to your weekly diet may give you an extra measure of colon protection. Research has shown that a natural compound found in cauliflower may inhibit the propagation of cancer cells in the colon. Be sure to skip the cheese sauce with the cauliflower, because it is loaded with saturated fats. Instead, steam the cauliflower and spice it up with olive oil and lemon or use low-fat yogurt for dipping raw cauliflower     SpicyJokes.com - www.spicyjokes.com 999 E Touhy Ave, Des Plaines, IL 60018 1995-2011 © All rights reserved. Unsubscribe from SpicyJokes.com sent to dailyjokes@inspiredgfx.com

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Elderly Jokes :: #660 By Peter Prestipino from USA. Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down." The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just waken up!" The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory's just as good as it's always been, knock on wood." She raps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?!" Forward this joke to your friends >>   Words of Knowledge :: #1663 By Anonymous from USA. Interruptions The one who says it can't be done should never interrupt the one who is doing it.     aJokeADay.com - www.ajokeaday.com 999 E Touhy Ave, Des Plaines, IL 60018 1995-2011 © All rights reserved. Unsubscribe from aJokeADay.com sent to dailyjokes@inspiredgfx.com

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 30th March, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th March, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Grandma's Revenge
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When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his
grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and
headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm
surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water
guns?"

Mom smiled and then replied....."I remember."

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Political Jokes :: #14331 By L.B. from United Kingdom This is for you! Most of you should appreciate this...some won't have a clue what it's all about! According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 50's, 60's, and 70's probably shouldn't have survived. Our baby cots were covered with brightly colored lead-based paint which was promptly chewed and licked. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, or latches on doors or cabinets and it was fine to play with pans. When we rode our bikes, we wore no helmets, just flip flops and fluorescent 'clackers' on our wheels. As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the passenger seat was a treat. We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle - tasted the same. We ate dripping sandwiches, bread and butter pudding and drank fizzy pop with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing. We shared one drink with four friends, from one bottle or can and no one actually died from this. We would spend hours building go-carts out of scraps and then went top speed down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into stinging nettles a few times, we learned to solve the problem. We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back before it got dark. No one was able to reach us all day and no one minded. We did not have Play-stations or X-Boxes, no video games at all. No 99 channels on TV, no videotape movies, no surround sound, no mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet chat rooms. We had friends - we went outside and found them. We played elastics and street rounders, and sometimes that ball really hurt. We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits. They were accidents. We learnt not to do the same thing again. We had fights, punched each other hard and got black and blue - we learned to get over it. We walked to friend's homes. We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate live stuff, and although we were told it would happen, we did not have very many eyes out, nor did the live stuff live inside us forever. We rode bikes in packs of 7 and wore our coats by only the hood. Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected. The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law. Imagine that! This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all. And you're one of them. Congratulations! Please pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow up as real kids, before lawyers and government regulated our lives, for our own good. Forward this joke to your friends >>   Inspirational Poems :: #3525 By Travis K. Sullivan from Indianapolis USA. Death is Inevitable There is an Eastern fable, told long ago, of a traveler overtaken on a plain by an enraged beast. Escaping from the beast he gets into a dry well, but sees at the bottom of the well a dragon that has opened its jaws to swallow him. And the unfortunate man, not daring to climb out lest he should be destroyed by the enraged beast, and not daring to leap to the bottom of the well lest he should be eaten by the dragon, seizes a twig growing in a crack in the well and clings to it. His hands are growing weaker and he feels he will soon have to resign himself to the destruction that awaits him above or below, but still he clings on. Then he sees that two mice, a black one and a white one, go regularly round and round the stem of the twig to which he is clinging and gnaw at it. And soon the twig itself will snap and he will fall into the dragon's jaws. The traveler sees this and knows that he will inevitably perish; but while still hanging he looks around, sees some drops of honey on the leaves of the twig, reaches them with his tongue and licks them. So I too clung to the twig of life, knowing that the dragon of death was inevitably awaiting me, ready to tear me to pieces; and I could not understand why I had fallen into such torment. I tried to lick the honey, which formerly consoled me, but the honey no longer gave me pleasure, and the white and black mice of day and night gnawed at the branch by which I hung. I saw the dragon clearly and the honey no longer tasted sweet. I only saw the inescapable dragon and the mice, and I could not tear my gaze from them. And this is not a fable but the real unanswerable truth intelligible to all. The deception of the joys of life that formerly allayed my terror of the dragon now no longer deceived me. No matter how often I may be told, "You cannot understand the meaning of life so do not think about it, but live," I can no longer do it: I have already done it too long. I cannot now help seeing day and night going round and bringing me to death. That is all I see, for that alone is true. All else is false. The two drops of honey, which diverted my eyes from the cruel truth longer than the rest: my love of family, and of writing - art as I called it - were no longer sweet to me. "Family"...said I to myself. But my family - wife and children - are also human. They are placed just as I am: they must either live in a lie or see the terrible truth. Why should they live? Why should I love them, guard them, bring them up, or watch them? That they may come to the despair that I feel, or else be stupid? Loving them, I cannot hide the truth from them: each step in knowledge leads them to the truth. And the truth is death.... No sweetness of honey could be sweet to me when I saw the dragon and saw the mice gnawing away my support. Nor was that all. Had I simply understood that life had no meaning I could have borne it quietly, knowing that that was my lot. But I could not satisfy myself with that. Had I been like a man living in a wood from which he knows there is no exit, I could have lived; but I was like one lost in a wood who, horrified at having lost his way, rushes about wishing to find the road. He knows that each step he takes confuses him more and more, but still he cannot help rushing about. ~Leo Tolstoy     SpicyJokes.com - www.spicyjokes.com 999 E Touhy Ave, Des Plaines, IL 60018 1995-2011 © All rights reserved. Unsubscribe from SpicyJokes.com sent to dailyjokes@inspiredgfx.com

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Quotes Jokes :: #830 By Melanie P from Unknown Fun Things To Do In An Elevator: 1. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?" 2. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you just shut UP!" 3. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly. 4. Sell Girl Scout cookies. 5. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator. 6. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral 7. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, motion sickness!" 8. Meow occasionally. 9. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it. 10. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space." Forward this joke to your friends >>   Words of Knowledge :: #232 By Larry Jackson from Layfette USA. Being a success Success is not defined by obtaining everything you want, but by appreciating everything you have. --Unknown     aJokeADay.com - www.ajokeaday.com 999 E Touhy Ave, Des Plaines, IL 60018 1995-2011 © All rights reserved. Unsubscribe from aJokeADay.com sent to dailyjokes@inspiredgfx.com

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th March, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th March, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Anal Glaucoma
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A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.

What's the matter?" he asks.

"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.

he says,"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"

she replies,"I can't see my ass coming into work today."

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Redneck Jokes :: #1235 By annonymous from san antonio texas USA. It was around 8:00 on a Friday night. Farmer Johnson was sitting in his living room listening to his radio when he heard a knock at his door. He stood up and answered the door. The young man standing there said "My name is Joe, I'm here for Flo we are going to the show is she ready to go?" The farmer called his daughter down the stairs, and she and her date left. A little while later another young man knocked at the door, and when the farmer answered the door, the young man said, "My name is Eddie, I'm here for Betty, and we're going steady, is she ready?" The farmer called his second daughter down the stairs, and she and her date left. Not too long after that, another young man knocked at the door. the farmer again answered the door. The young man standing there said, "My name is Chuck, and I drive a truck..." Before the young man could say another word the farmer shot him dead on the spot. Forward this joke to your friends >>   One-Liners :: #2335 By Md Suhaile from Jessore Bangladesh Success "I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everyone." --Bill Cosby--     SpicyJokes.com - www.spicyjokes.com 999 E Touhy Ave, Des Plaines, IL 60018 1995-2011 © All rights reserved. Unsubscribe from SpicyJokes.com sent to dailyjokes@inspiredgfx.com

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Work Jokes :: #3296 By Flash Wheatley from USA. A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted," Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude." "You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of you, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far." The woman below responded, "You must be in management." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!" Forward this joke to your friends >>   One-Liners :: #1203 By Carla from Baltimore USA. The Warning If you can't be a shining example, then just serve as a horrible warning.     aJokeADay.com - www.ajokeaday.com 999 E Touhy Ave, Des Plaines, IL 60018 1995-2011 © All rights reserved. Unsubscribe from aJokeADay.com sent to dailyjokes@inspiredgfx.com

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th March, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th March, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Ultrasonic Waves
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A brash young man strolls into a bar and takes a seat next to a stunningly
attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his
watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, 'Your date running late?'

'No, no...', he replies, 'I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I
was just testing it.'

The woman, intrigued, asks: 'Wow! A state-of-the-art watch? So, what's
special about it?'

'Well, it uses ultrasonic waves to telepathically talk to me,' he explains.

'Interesting...so what's it telling you now?'

'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...'

The woman giggles and replies, 'Well it must be broken then because I am
wearing panties!'

The man explains, 'Damn thing must be an hour fast!'

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International Jokes :: #14255 By Anonymous from USA. A tourist in a Cairo bazaar was offered a large skull by a street-trader. "dis de skull of great Queen Cleopatra, by friend," said the trader, "only one hundred pounds." "No thank you," said the tourist. "It's far too expensive." "How 'bout dis one, my friend?" said the street trader, producing a small skull. "Whose skull is that?" "dis de skull of great Queen Cleopatra when she was a little girl!" Forward this joke to your friends >>   Words of Knowledge :: #346 By Bonny Danemiller from Toronto Canada Be without To be without some of the things you want is an indispensable part of happiness. - Bertrand Russell     SpicyJokes.com - www.spicyjokes.com 999 E Touhy Ave, Des Plaines, IL 60018 1995-2011 © All rights reserved. Unsubscribe from SpicyJokes.com sent to dailyjokes@inspiredgfx.com

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Police Jokes :: #2664 By from USA. A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are those machetes doing in your car?" asks the cop. "I juggle them in my act." "Oh, yeah? Says the doubtful cop. "Let's see you do it." The juggler gets out and starts tossing and catching the knives. Another man driving by slows down to watch. "Wow" says the passer-by. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now! Forward this joke to your friends >>   Miscellaneous :: #3796 By M.Rangarao from Guntur India knowledge vs. wisdom Knowledge talks and wisdom listens. - M.Rangarao -     aJokeADay.com - www.ajokeaday.com 999 E Touhy Ave, Des Plaines, IL 60018 1995-2011 © All rights reserved. Unsubscribe from aJokeADay.com sent to dailyjokes@inspiredgfx.com