JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th September, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Time Tested
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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good
ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
~George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea ...
Visit people only once a year.
~Victor Borge
What would men be without women?
Scarce, sir .. mighty scarce.
~Mark Twain
By all means, marry.
If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
~Socrates
I was married by a judge.
I should have asked for a jury.
~Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.
Every now and then she stops to breathe.
~Jimmy Durante
The male is a domestic animal which,
if treated with firmness and kindness,
can be trained to do most things.
~Jilly Cooper
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
~ Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
~Alex Levine
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living.
The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
~Mark Twain
Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
~Spike Milligan
What's the use of happiness?
It can't buy you money.
~Henny Youngman
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up'.
~Joe Namath
Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
~Herbert Henry Asquith
I don't feel old.
I don't feel anything until noon.
Then it's time for my nap.
~Bob Hope
A woman drove me to drink ...
and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her.
~W.C. Fields
It takes only one drink to get me drunk.
The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth
or the fourteenth.
~George Burns
The cardiologist's diet:
If it tastes good ... spit it out.
~Unknown
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
~Billy Crystal
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Monday, September 30, 2013
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Sunday, September 29, 2013
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th September, 2013
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th September, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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The Outhouse
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Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out....
"Pa, You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"
Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."
Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."
So.......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back,
"Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! "
Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"
Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"
Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells
back,
"Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling,
"Ma Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"
To which Ma replies,...... "Hurt's, don't it ?!"
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-------------------------
The Outhouse
-------------------------
Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out....
"Pa, You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"
Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."
Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."
So.......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back,
"Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! "
Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"
Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"
Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells
back,
"Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling,
"Ma Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"
To which Ma replies,...... "Hurt's, don't it ?!"
-------------------------
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Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20130929
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Saturday, September 28, 2013
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th September, 2013
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th September, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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I Love Mustard
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(This is supposedly a true story.)
If you have children you will probably relate to this father.
As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a
fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of very expensive, light
brown, gourmet mustard.
The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the
picnic table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was
stopped by my wife suddenly at my side. "Hold Johnny (our
six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said.
I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was
reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of
mustard on my fingers.
I love mustard.
I had no napkin.
I licked it off.
It was not mustard.
No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time
I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in
each hand I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it
on my tongue.
Later (after she stopped crying from laughing so hard) my wife
said, "Now you know why they call that mustard 'Poupon.'"
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-------------------------
I Love Mustard
-------------------------
(This is supposedly a true story.)
If you have children you will probably relate to this father.
As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a
fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of very expensive, light
brown, gourmet mustard.
The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the
picnic table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was
stopped by my wife suddenly at my side. "Hold Johnny (our
six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said.
I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was
reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of
mustard on my fingers.
I love mustard.
I had no napkin.
I licked it off.
It was not mustard.
No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time
I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in
each hand I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it
on my tongue.
Later (after she stopped crying from laughing so hard) my wife
said, "Now you know why they call that mustard 'Poupon.'"
-------------------------
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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Friday, September 27, 2013
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th September, 2013
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th September, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Short Cut
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A biker stopped by the local Harley Shop to have his bike repaired. They couldn't do the work while he waited, and so, since he didn't live far from the shop, he decided to walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped at the feed store / livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he had a problem... How to carry his entire purchases home.
The feed store owner said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Hey, thanks!" said the biker, and out the door he went.
In the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost, and asked if he could tell her the way to 1603 Mockingbird Lane.
The biker said, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane." We can take a short cut down this alley and be there in no time".
The little old lady looked him over cautiously, and then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"
The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in Hell could I possibly hold you up against a wall and do that?"
The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
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-------------------------
Short Cut
-------------------------
A biker stopped by the local Harley Shop to have his bike repaired. They couldn't do the work while he waited, and so, since he didn't live far from the shop, he decided to walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped at the feed store / livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he had a problem... How to carry his entire purchases home.
The feed store owner said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Hey, thanks!" said the biker, and out the door he went.
In the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost, and asked if he could tell her the way to 1603 Mockingbird Lane.
The biker said, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane." We can take a short cut down this alley and be there in no time".
The little old lady looked him over cautiously, and then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"
The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in Hell could I possibly hold you up against a wall and do that?"
The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
-------------------------
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Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20130927
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Thursday, September 26, 2013
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th September, 2013
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th September, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Anal Glaucoma
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A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.
What's the matter?" he asks.
"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.
he says,"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"
she replies,"I can't see my ass coming into work today."
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-------------------------
Anal Glaucoma
-------------------------
A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.
What's the matter?" he asks.
"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.
he says,"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"
she replies,"I can't see my ass coming into work today."
-------------------------
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Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20130926
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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