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Friday, January 14, 2011
SpicyJokes.com - Funny Everyday jokes
Recommended for You 
Clean Joke of the Day
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Howdy Daily, it's me, Joe Cosity here!
A Christian lady lived next door to an atheist. Everyday,
when the lady prayed, the atheist could hear her. He thought
to himself, "She sure is crazy, praying all the time like
that. Doesn't she know there isn't a God?"
Many times while she was praying, he would go to her house
and harass her, saying, "Lady, why do you pray all the time?
Don't you know there is no God?" But she kept on praying.
One day, she ran out of groceries. As usual, she was praying
to the Lord explaining her situation and thanking Him for
what He was going to do.
As usual, the atheist heard her praying, and thought to
himself, "Humph! I'll fix her."
He went to the grocery store, bought a whole bunch of
groceries, took them to her house, dropped them off on the
front porch, rang the doorbell, and then hid in the bushes
to see what she would do.
When she opened the door and saw the groceries, she began to
praise the Lord with all her heart, jumping, singing and
shouting everywhere!
The atheist then jumped out of the bushes and told her, "You
ol' crazy lady, God didn't buy you those groceries, I bought
those groceries!"
At this news the lady began to celebrate even more! When the
atheist finally calmed her, he asked her why she was so
ecstatic since God hadn't provided the groceries.
Ignoring his lack of faith, she replied, "I knew the Lord
was going to provide me with groceries, but I didn't know He
was going to make the devil pay for them!"
-----------------------------------------------------------
Let no man deceive himself. If any man among you seemeth to
be wise in this world, let him become a fool, that he may be
wise. For the wisdom of this world is foolishness with God.
For it is written, He taketh the wise in their own
craftiness.
And again, The Lord knoweth the thoughts of the wise, that
they are vain. Therefore let no man glory in men. For all
things are yours; whether Paul, or Apollos, or Cephas, or
the world, or life, or death, or things present, or things
to come; all are yours; and ye are Christ's; and Christ is
God's.
Let a man so account of us, as of the ministers of Christ,
and stewards of the mysteries of God. Moreover it is
required in stewards, that a man be found faithful.
-1 Corinthians 3:18
I'm glad you could join me for today's content, and I look
forward to bringing you more next time!
Until then, bye-bye!
Joe Cosity
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***********************************************************
Clean Joke of the Day exists to proclaim the truth of God, Jesus Christ, through emotional encouragement and spiritual exhortation.
Reminder: Joe Cosity is only a fictitious person, the result of imagination. Therefore, events depicted in this newsletter as real are actually either partially or completely made up to help you laugh. To contact Joe, simply send an email to:
joe@christfocus.com
***********************************************************
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Recommendation for You 
Thursday, January 13, 2011
SpicyJokes.com - Funny Everyday jokes
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Clean Joke of the Day
If this was forwarded to you, you can subscribe yourself and
receive clean, Christ honoring humor simply by visiting
http://www.cleanjokeoftheday.com
************************************************************
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Howdy Daily, it's me, Joe Cosity here!
Top Reasons for Being a Tenor:
-Tenors get high without drugs.
-Name a musical where the bass got the girl.
-You can show the sopranos how it SHOULD be sung.
-Did you ever hear of anyone paying $1000 for a ticket to
see The Three Basses?
-Who needs brains when you've got resonance?
-Tenors never have to waste time looking through the self-
improvement section of the bookstore.
-When you get really good at falsetto, you can make tons of
money doing voice-overs for cartoon characters.
-Gregorian chant was practically invented for tenors. Nobody
invented a genre for basses.
Top Reasons for Being a Bass:
-You don't have to tighten your shorts to reach your note.
-You don't have to worry about a woman stealing your job.
-Or a pre adolescent boy.
-Action heroes are always basses. That is, if they ever
sang, they would sing bass.
-You get great memorable lyrics like bop, bop, bop, bop
(boong ching ... boong chi-ching).
-If the singing job doesn't work out, there's always
broadcasting.
-You never need to learn to read the treble clef.
-It doesn't matter much if you get a cold.
-For fun, you can sing at the bottom of your range and fool
people into thinking there's an earthquake.
-If you burp while you're singing, the audience just thinks
it's part of the score.
Top Ten Reasons for Being a Soprano:
-The rest of the choir exists just to make you look good.
-Can you name an opera where an alto got the man?
-When sopranos sing in the shower, they know the tune.
-You are never going to sing the alto part by accident.
-Great costumes: like the hat with the horns on it.
-How many world famous altos can you name?
-When the fat lady sings, she's usually singing soprano.
-When you get tired of the tune, you can sing the descant.
Top Ten Reasons for Being an Alto:
-You get really good at singing E flat.
-You get to sing the same note for 12 consecutive measures.
(tang ... tang ... tang ...)
-No warm up needed to sing 12 consecutive bars of E flat.
-If the choir really stinks, it's unlikely the altos will be
blamed.
-You have lots of time to chat during soprano solos.
-You get to pretend that you are better than the sopranos,
because everybody knows that women only sing soprano so
they don't have to learn to read music.
-You can sometimes find part time work singing tenor.
-Altos get all the great intervals.
-When the sopranos are holding some outrageously high note
at the end of an anthem, the altos always get the last words.
-When the altos miss a note, nobody gets hurt.
-----------------------------------------------------------
O come, let us sing unto the LORD: let us make a joyful
noise to the rock of our salvation. Let us come before his
presence with thanksgiving, and make a joyful noise unto him
with psalms.
For the LORD is a great God, and a great King above all gods.
In his hand are the deep places of the earth: the strength
of the hills is his also. The sea is his, and he made it:
and his hands formed the dry land. O come, let us worship
and bow down: let us kneel before the LORD our maker.
For he is our God; and we are the people of his pasture, and
the sheep of his hand. -Psalms 95:1
I'm glad you could join me for today's content, and I look
forward to bringing you more next time!
Until then, bye-bye!
Joe Cosity
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P.S. Jesus has a message for you: http://christfocus.com
Clean Joke of the Day is a ministry supported by faith. You can be a part of this ministry too, through prayer and financial giving. Simply mail your comments or gifts to the following address:
Clean Joke of the Day
520 West Main Street
Oklahoma City, OK 73102
Phone: 405-200-1692
Web: http://www.cleanjokeoftheday.com
Email: joe@christfocus.com
***********************************************************
Clean Joke of the Day exists to proclaim the truth of God, Jesus Christ, through emotional encouragement and spiritual exhortation.
Reminder: Joe Cosity is only a fictitious person, the result of imagination. Therefore, events depicted in this newsletter as real are actually either partially or completely made up to help you laugh. To contact Joe, simply send an email to:
joe@christfocus.com
***********************************************************
Clean Joke of the Day is never sent unsolicited. Your email address is receiving this communication because you visited http://cleanjokeoftheday.com and manually signed up for this communication, or someone else has manually subscribed you (that's not good:)
Clean Joke of the Day is a recurring email that is sent 6 times every week. If you wish to leave this publication, please visit http://cleanjokeoftheday.com and type your email address into the subscribe form, select "remove"
from the drop down box, and click submit. Alternatively, you can also click on the remove link in the first P.S.
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Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Thumbtacks
Thumbtacks
"One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moment" stories I've come upon
in a long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a
discount store.
When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her
items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got
on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear: "Price check
on lane thirteen, tampax, supersize."
That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently
misunderstood the word "tampax" for "Thumbtacks."
In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom: "Do you
want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you pound in with
a hammer?"
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Southwest Florida Foreclosures!
Super discounted prices homes, condos
and land. Get your piece of paradise
Today! Visit http://www.ForeclosuresSWFL.com/
Aterra Realty Associates, LLC
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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 12th January, 2011
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th January, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Gone Fishing
-------------------------
A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go
fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of
his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for
me to get that promotion I've been wanting so would you please pack
me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box.
We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my
things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk panamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she
does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he
comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife
welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish? He says, "Yes!
Lot's of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you
pack my new blue silk panamas like I asked you to do?"
"I did, they're in your tackle box."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
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Clean Joke of the Day
If this was forwarded to you, you can subscribe yourself and
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************************************************************
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Howdy Daily, it's me, Joe Cosity here!
A man went into his doctor's office and said, "Doc, you have
got to help me! Every night I keep dreaming that I'm a
sports car. The other night I dreamed I was a Trans Am. The
next night I dreamed I was an Alpha Romeo. Last night I
dreamed I was a Porsche. What does this mean?"
"Relax," the doctor replied.
"You're just having an auto-body experience.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Did you know that God knows your dreams?
And the king said unto them, I have dreamed a dream, and my
spirit was troubled to know the dream.
Then spake the Chaldeans to the king in Syriack, O king,
live for ever: tell thy servants the dream, and we will shew
the interpretation.
The king answered and said to the Chaldeans, The thing is
gone from me: if ye will not make known unto me the dream,
with the interpretation thereof, ye shall be cut in pieces,
and your houses shall be made a dunghill. But if ye shew the
dream, and the interpretation thereof, ye shall receive of
me gifts and rewards and great honour: therefore shew me the
dream, and the interpretation thereof.
They answered again and said, Let the king tell his servants
the dream, and we will shew the interpretation of it.
The king answered and said, I know of certainty that ye
would gain the time, because ye see the thing is gone from
me. But if ye will not make known unto me the dream, there
is but one decree for you: for ye have prepared lying and
corrupt words to speak before me, till the time be changed:
therefore tell me the dream, and I shall know that ye can
shew me the interpretation thereof.
The Chaldeans answered before the king, and said, There is
not a man upon the earth that can shew the king's matter:
therefore there is no king, lord, nor ruler, that asked
such things at any magician, or astrologer, or Chaldean. And
it is a rare thing that the king requireth, and there is
none other that can shew it before the king, except the gods,
whose dwelling is not with flesh.
For this cause the king was angry and very furious, and
commanded to destroy all the wise men of Babylon. And the
decree went forth that the wise men should be slain; and
they sought Daniel and his fellows to be slain.
Then Daniel answered with counsel and wisdom to Arioch the
captain of the king's guard, which was gone forth to slay
the wise men of Babylon: he answered and said to Arioch the
king's captain, Why is the decree so hasty from the king?
Then Arioch made the thing known to Daniel.
Then Daniel went in, and desired of the king that he would
give him time, and that he would shew the king the
interpretation. Then Daniel went to his house, and made the
thing known to Hananiah, Mishael, and Azariah, his
companions: that they would desire mercies of the God of
heaven concerning this secret; that Daniel and his fellows
should not perish with the rest of the wise men of Babylon.
Then was the secret revealed unto Daniel in a night vision.
Then Daniel blessed the God of heaven. Daniel answered and
said, Blessed be the name of God for ever and ever: for
wisdom and might are his: and he changeth the times and the
seasons: he removeth kings, and setteth up kings: he giveth
wisdom unto the wise, and knowledge to them that know
understanding: he revealeth the deep and secret things: he
knoweth what is in the darkness, and the light dwelleth with
him. I thank thee, and praise thee, O thou God of my fathers,
who hast given me wisdom and might, and hast made known unto
me now what we desired of thee: for thou hast now made known
unto us the king's matter.
Therefore Daniel went in unto Arioch, whom the king had
ordained to destroy the wise men of Babylon: he went and
said thus unto him; Destroy not the wise men of Babylon:
bring me in before the king, and I will shew unto the king
the interpretation. -Daniel 2:3
I'm glad you could join me for today's content, and I look
forward to bringing you more next time!
Until then, bye-bye!
Joe Cosity
P.S. If you wish to leave, click here:
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or visit http://www.cleanjokeoftheday.com
P.S. Jesus has a message for you: http://christfocus.com
Clean Joke of the Day is a ministry supported by faith. You can be a part of this ministry too, through prayer and financial giving. Simply mail your comments or gifts to the following address:
Clean Joke of the Day
520 West Main Street
Oklahoma City, OK 73102
Phone: 405-200-1692
Web: http://www.cleanjokeoftheday.com
Email: joe@christfocus.com
***********************************************************
Clean Joke of the Day exists to proclaim the truth of God, Jesus Christ, through emotional encouragement and spiritual exhortation.
Reminder: Joe Cosity is only a fictitious person, the result of imagination. Therefore, events depicted in this newsletter as real are actually either partially or completely made up to help you laugh. To contact Joe, simply send an email to:
joe@christfocus.com
***********************************************************
Clean Joke of the Day is never sent unsolicited. Your email address is receiving this communication because you visited http://cleanjokeoftheday.com and manually signed up for this communication, or someone else has manually subscribed you (that's not good:)
Clean Joke of the Day is a recurring email that is sent 6 times every week. If you wish to leave this publication, please visit http://cleanjokeoftheday.com and type your email address into the subscribe form, select "remove"
from the drop down box, and click submit. Alternatively, you can also click on the remove link in the first P.S.
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Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 11th January, 2011
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 11th January, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Signs In Heaven
-------------------------
Bob dies and goes to the pearly gates where he waits in line. As he draws
closer he sees there are two lines; a short one and a long one. He walks to
the front of the long line and sees a sign written above the head of the angel
in charge:
THIS WAY TO HELL>> MEN WHO LET WOMEN WEAR THE PANTS
He decides that this line is just way to long and goes around to the other line
where a sign reads;
THIS WAY TO HEAVEN>> GUYS WITH BALLS
There is only one person in this line and he is a small, frayed and withered
old man. Bob just has to know and so he asks, "Why are you in this line? I
mean are you the only one going to heaven?"
The little man turns to him and whispers gently, "Keep your voice down, Lillith
told me to stand here!"
-------------------------
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-------------------------
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No Divorce
No Divorce
A couple were being interviewed on their Golden Wedding Anniversary.
"In all that time, did you ever consider divorce?" they were asked."
"Oh, no, not divorce," one said. "Murder sometimes, but never divorce.
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Aunt Annie's Crafts takes the craft how-to book
one step further by putting it on the computer!
Boxes, bags, puppets, paper airplanes, holiday
crafts, plus over 40 games to make...
Visit http://www.auntannie.com/
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Guys Suck
Guys Suck
GUYS SUCK...... and let me tell you why.
FARTING - How come it's cool for you to do it and disgusting if we do
it. And must you lift your leg?
JOCK-ITCH - Get help! Do you see us scratch? We don't want to see you
scratch either.
PORNOS - Why do you want to see other guys getting what you can't. By
the way, it's not good for our skin.
PICK UP LINES - Not!
DOUBLE STANDARDS - If you can do it, why the hell can't we?
HONESTY - Learn the concept. It is a good thing.
SENSITIVITY - Get some!!!!
DEODORANT - It's only small change at the corner store. Buy it.
LOCKER ROOMS - Hello..... air freshner.
HEADS - We know you have two. Keep one in your pants and get the other
out of your ass.
You can't beat up everyone who looks at us.
Being drunk is not an excuse to sleep with any thing on legs.
Believe me, sex is NOT number one and you are NOT number one at it.
Why must you tell ALL of your friends about everything you do with a
girl? They all had the same DREAM last night anyway.
Do not blame everything we do on P.M.S. You should be glad we're not
pregnant.
Try matching your maturity level to your age.
We are NOT objects. We have feelings, thoughts and ideas. We can even
form words like "FRACK YOU!!!"
There is more to life than playing cards and video games - How old are
you??
Why do we have to look good and you can look like shit?
Can we eat like humans - utensils were made especially for this
purpose. Ever heard of knives, forks, and spoons? How about napkins?
(This does not include shirt sleeves.)
WAKE UP CALL! - Wasting a ton of money on tuition every year to get
drunk, get laid, and play sports is fucking retarded. If you're
interested, become a professional athlete and at least GET PAID for it.
I am not putting myself through school to carry your sorry, lazy ass
through life.
BIRTHDAYS - If you can remember the size of your cock to the exact
millimeter, then you can remember our birthday.
Rulers were not made to measure your genitalia. They were not made that
small. Why measure it anyway? There will always be someone bigger and
believe me, we can find him.
Romance is not three seconds of sweat and nothing and then rolling over
and going to sleep.
The one thing you are good for, you are not good at!
Remember Meg Ryan's famous 'faking an orgasm scene'? Sound familiar?
When we say we're lost without you, we're probably high.
When you screw up, a rose would suffice, but if it's not too much
trouble, a dozen would be nice.
WANDERING EYES - We know you look. Try not to make it so obvious.
GET A CLUE! - When we say "HARDER!, FASTER!" we're not refering to your
breathing pattern.
To the FEW nice guys who don't apply to these statements and never get
the time of day, here's a note of hope..... WE'LL WISE UP SOONER OR
LATER AND YOU'LL GET YOUR CHANCE. HANG IN THERE.
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Do you like sports?
Do you like adventure?
Do you like wild things?
Visit http://www.wildthings.com/
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