Golden Rules for a successful working life....
...according to George Costanza
Never walk without a document in your hands
-------------------------------------------
People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees
heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look
like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their
hand look like they're heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you
carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false
impression that you work longer hours than you do.
Use computers to look busy
--------------------------
Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual
observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat and generally
have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These
aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer
revolution would like to talk about but they're not bad either. When you
get caught by your boss - and you *will* get caught -- your best
defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus
saving valuable training dollars.
Messy desk
----------
Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it
looks like we're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents
around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same
as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If
you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll
need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she
arrives.
Voice Mail
----------
Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you
just because they want to give you something for nothing - they call
because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's no way to live. Screen
all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail
message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch
hour when you know they're not there - it looks like you're hardworking
and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel.
Looking Impatient and Annoyed
-----------------------------
According to George Costanza, one should also always try to look
impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are
always busy.
Leave the office late
---------------------
Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around.
You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read
but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the
boss' room on your way out. Send important emails at unearthly hours
(e.g. 9:35 pm, 7:05 am, etc.) and during public holidays.
Creative Sighing for Effect
---------------------------
Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression
that you are under extreme pressure.
Stacking Strategy
-----------------
It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of
books on the floor etc. (thick computer manuals are the best).
Build Vocabulary
----------------
Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new
products. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses.
Remember: They don't have to understand what you say, but you sure sound
impressive.
Find a Place to Sleep
---------------------
Build a comforatble nest under your desk. Stock it with water and
snacks. This way you can take naps at work.
MOST IMPORTANT:
===============
DON'T forward this to your boss by mistake!
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