Funny everyday jokes: December 2010

Friday, December 31, 2010

Sounds

A High School teacher in the Bronx decided to see how many of the city
kids knew what sounds farm animals made.

She asked the kids to put their hands up if they knew the correct
sound. "Who knows what sound a cow makes?" she asked.

Mary put her hand up and said, "Moooo!"

"Very good," replied the teacher, "what sound do sheep make?"

"Baaaa," answered Billy.

She continued this for a while. Then she asked, "What sound does a pig
make?"

All the hands in the class went up. She was surprised at the response.
She chose Little Johnny at the back of the class. He stood up, took a
deep breath, and screamed, "Up against the wall mutha-fooka!!"

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 31st December, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 31st December, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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The Marathon
-------------------------

Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work.
One day, she was in bed with her boyfriend Ralph, when she heard her
husband's car pull in the driveway. She yelled at Ralph, "Hurry! grab your
clothes and jump out the window, my husband is home early!"

Ralph looked out the window and said, "I can't jump out the window! It's
raining like hell out there."

Mary cried, "If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!"

So, Ralph grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window. When he landed
outside he found himself in the middle of a marathon race, so he started
running along side the others, only he was still in the nude, carrying his
clothes on his arm.

One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?"

Ralph answered, while gasping for air, "Oh yes, it feels so free having
the air blow over your skin while you are running."

Then another runner asked, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on
your arm?"

Ralph answered breathlessly, "Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the
end of the run and get in my car to go home."

Then another runner asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"

Ralph answered, "Only if it's raining."

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SpicyJokes.com - Funny Everyday jokes

Farmer Jokes :: #153
By Brendan Stewart from USA.

There was a farmer who had many pigs. One day someone went to the farm and asked the farmer: "What do you use to feed your pigs?"

"Well, I give them acorn, corn, and things like that. Why?"

"Because I am from the Animals Protection Association and I think you don't feed them like you should, they shouldn't eat wastes."

Then he fined the farmer.

Some days later, another person arrived and asked the same question. The farmer answered: "Well, I feed them very well. I give them salmon, caviar, shrimp, steak...why?"

"Because I am from the United Nations Organization and I think it's unfair that you feed your pigs like that when there are people dying with nothing to eat."

And he fined the farmer.

Finally, another man came in and asked just the same question. The hesitant farmer answered after a few minutes: "Well, I give five dollars to each pig so they can buy whatever they want."

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One-Liners :: #345
By Jaime Durbin from Manchester USA.

Looking around us
Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around in awareness.

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Clean Joke of the Day

If this was forwarded to you, you can subscribe yourself and
receive clean, Christ honoring humor simply by visiting
http://www.cleanjokeoftheday.com
************************************************************

Howdy Daily, it's me, Joe Cosity here!

Someone (I do not know who, but their genius far exceeds
mine) came up with this humorous list to help you recognize
the signs of the times for 2010:

1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.

2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family
of three.

3. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to
eat. He emails you back from his bedroom, "What's for
dinner?"

4. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South
Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor
yet this year.

6. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup
to see if it contains Echinacea.

7. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your
newborn so she can create a screen saver.

8. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone
to see if anyone is home.

9. You buy a computer and 6 months later it is out of date
and now sells for half the price you paid.

10. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you
didn't have the first 20 or 30 years of your life, is cause
for panic and turning around to go get it.

11. Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a
purchase would be a hassle and take planning.

12. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food
bags out of the back seat of your car.

13. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that
they do not have e-mail addresses.

14. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.

15. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.

16. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it
notes.

17. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in
person.

18. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.

19. You get up in the morning and go online before getting
your coffee.

20. You wake up at 2 am to go to the bathroom and check your
E-mail on your way back to bed.

21. You're reading this.

22. Even worse; you may even forward it to someone else.
-----------------------------------------------------------

What signs do you seek for this age in time?

But he said, Yea rather, blessed are they that hear the word
of God, and keep it. And when the people were gathered thick
together, he began to say, This is an evil generation: they
seek a sign; and there shall no sign be given it, but the
sign of Jonas the prophet.

For as Jonas was a sign unto the Ninevites, so shall also
the Son of man be to this generation. The queen of the south
shall rise up in the judgment with the men of this
generation, and condemn them: for she came from the utmost
parts of the earth to hear the wisdom of Solomon; and,
behold, a greater than Solomon is here.

The men of Nineve shall rise up in the judgment with this
generation, and shall condemn it: for they repented at the
preaching of Jonas; and, behold, a greater than Jonas is
here.

No man, when he hath lighted a candle, putteth it in a
secret place, neither under a bushel, but on a candlestick,
that they which come in may see the light. The light of the
body is the eye: therefore when thine eye is single, thy
whole body also is full of light; but when thine eye is
evil, thy body also is full of darkness. Take heed therefore
that the light which is in thee be not darkness.

If thy whole body therefore be full of light, having no part
dark, the whole shall be full of light, as when the bright
shining of a candle doth give thee light. -Luke 11:28

I'm glad you could join me for today's content, and I look
forward to bringing you more next time!

Until then, bye-bye!
Joe Cosity

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Reminder: Joe Cosity is only a fictitious person, the result of imagination. Therefore, events depicted in this newsletter as real are actually either partially or completely made up to help you laugh. To contact Joe, simply send an email to:
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A Joke A Day - Funny everyday Jokes

Marriage Jokes :: #115
By Julie from Unknown

A married couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. At the party everybody wanted to know how they managed to stay married so long in this day and age. The husband responded "When we were first married we came to an agreement. I would make all the major decisions and my wife would make all the minor decisions. And in 60 years of marriage we have never needed to make a major decision."

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Fitness :: #6159
By Lisa M. from Los Angeles, CA USA.

Stay Slim
People who are on their feet as often as possible are 62% more likely to stay slim, even if they don't exercise! "Stand every chance you get – when you are on the phone in quick meetings or even opening the mail.

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Thursday, December 30, 2010

Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody

This is a story about four people: Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and
Nobody.

There was this important job to be done and everybody was asked to do
it.

Everybody was sure that somebody would do it.

Anybody could have done it, but nobody did it.

Somebody got angry about that because it was everybody's job.

Everybody thought that anybody could do it, but nobody realized that
everybody wouldn't do it.

It ended up that everybody blamed somebody when actually nobody asked
anybody.

Sounds like our Government!

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 30th December, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th December, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Chicks
-------------------------

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits.

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

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