Flu

Flu

Ten things good about having the flu:

10. No one wants to come near you.

9. You can legally take sedatives.

8. You realize guests on daytime talk shows have worse lives than you
do.

7. You get away with being rude, obnoxious and surly.

6. You can smell like a baboon's butt and nobody complains.

5. You can shlep about the house unwashed and in your housecoat all
day.

4. No matter how bad you feel, it's still better than how you felt
after last month's tequila 'n' gin party.

3. Star Trek re-runs.

2. Your dog is allowed on the bed.

1. You get to pass the virus on to those you really dislike.

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 30th November, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th November, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Noah in America
-------------------------

In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once again the earth has become wicked and overpopulated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans, thy sons and their wives."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard -- but no Ark.

"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed.

"I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

"Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentaliststhat I needed the wood to save the owls -- but no go!

"When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. I am required to apply for 834 different licenses to keep wild beasts on private property.

"Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on Your proposed flood. Further, the pitch to water-poof the ark has been banned by the EPA as inimical to the environment.

"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.

"Immigration and Naturalization is checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work. The scaffolding to build the superstructure is not OSHA-approved and is forbidden to use except for private structures less than 5 cubits..

"The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.

"To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 100 years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean You're not going to destroy the world?".

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."

-------------------------
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SpicyJokes.com - Funny Everyday jokes

Viagra Jokes :: #3144 By Rozanaf from USA. Q: How do you know if your HMO has paid for your viagra Rx? A: You get a Popsicle stick and a rubber band. Forward this joke to your friends >>     Recommended for You         Halo Reach The best-selling Xbox game of all time! Players experience the fateful momments that forged the "Halo" legend. It's the story of Noble Team, a squad of heroic Spartan soliders, and their final stand on the planet Reach.     Health :: #6154 By Anonymous from USA. Food poisoning Heat is not enough: Have you ever stuck leftover back in the fridge after sat out too long, thinking they would be "fine" once reheated? Think again. Reheating food properly is important for destroying bacteria. But reheating does not destroy any toxins that the bacteria already produced. Often, it's those toxins that cause food poisoning symptoms. So if in doubt, throw it out! As a rule, don't eat any food that has been kept between 40°F and 140°F for more than 2 hours.     SpicyJokes.com - www.spicyjokes.com 4179 W Irving Park Rd, Chicago, IL 60641 1995-2008 © All rights reserved. Unsubscribe from SpicyJokes.com sent to dailyjokes@inspiredgfx.com

A Joke A Day - Funny everyday Jokes

Kid Jokes :: #1053 By Carlos Cruz. from Unknown Dear Son, Your Pa has a new job. The first in 48 years. We are a little better, off now, getting $17.96 every Thursday. So we up and thought we'd do a little fixin' up. We sent to Rosemont and Seasbuck for one of them there bathrooms you hear so much about and it took a plumber to put it in shape. On one side of the room is a great big long thing, something like the hogs drink out of, only you get in it and wash all over. Over on the other side is a little white thing called a sink, this is for light washing, like face and hands, but over in the other corner we really got something. There you put one foot in, wash it clean, pull a chain and get fresh water for the other foot. Two lids come with the darn thing and we ain't had any use for them in the bathroom, so I'm using one for a bread board and the other we framed grandmother's picture in. They were awful nice people to deal with and they sent us a roll of writing paper with it. Take care of yourself son. Your Maw Forward this joke to your friends >>     Recommendation for You         The All-New Kindle 3G Smaller, Lighter, Faster with 50% Better Contrast and Free 3G Wireless. The most-wished-for, most-gifted, and has the most 5-star reviews of any product ...     Words of Knowledge :: #1758 By Vintage 67 from Milton keynes United Kingdom "There's Them" "There's them that KNOW" "There's them that DON'T know" "Then there's them that DON'T know they don't know!"     aJokeADay.com - www.ajokeaday.com 4179 W Irving Park Rd, Chicago, IL 60641 1995-2008 © All rights reserved. Unsubscribe from aJokeADay.com sent to dailyjokes@inspiredgfx.com

Warm

Warm

John was talking to his fiancee, Rebecca, and he said, "Be honest, now,
baby. How am I as a lover?"

To which she replied, "Honey, I would definitely say that you're warm."

"Really?" he said excitedly.

"Yes, in fact I would say that you're the dictionary definition of the
word 'warm'."

John was pleased until he went home and, just for fun, checked his
dictionary and found, "WARM: Not so hot."

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th November, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th November, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Switched Inputs
-------------------------

For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone,
and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into
the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our
computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and
started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face. She
called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed,
nothing would happen.

The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my
monitor and quaking red-faced. I started to type, "Leave me alone!"
They both jumped back, silenced. "Whaa??" the teacher blubbered.

Then I typed, "I said leave me alone!" The kid got really upset. "I
didn't do anything to it, I swear!" It was all I could do to keep
from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000
went on for an amazing five minutes.

Me: "Don't touch me!"

Her: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit your keys that hard."

Me: "Who do you think you are anyway?!" Etc.

Finally, I couldn't contain myself any longer and fell out of my
chair laughing. After they had realised what I had done, they both
turned beet red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.

-------------------------
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-------------------------

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SpicyJokes.com - Funny Everyday jokes

Doctors Jokes :: #16125 By from USA. A doctor takes off his glasses, rubs his eyes, and says to Mr. Smith, "I have some bad news. The tests results came back positive for cancer. Now, I can help you through this with counseling. I have a one o'clock tee time, why don't you join me." They go to the golf course, and on the first tee the patient runs into a few guys he knows and he tells them he is dying of AIDS. Curious, the doctor asks, "Why are you telling everyone you are dying of AIDS when in fact you are dying of cancer?" The guy looks at the doctor and in a very low voice says, "I don't want any of my friends sleeping with my wife after I die." Forward this joke to your friends >>     Recommended for You         Halo Reach The best-selling Xbox game of all time! Players experience the fateful momments that forged the "Halo" legend. It's the story of Noble Team, a squad of heroic Spartan soliders, and their final stand on the planet Reach.     Health :: #6153 By Anonymous from USA. The latest research on the use of houseplants In a study of 90 people recovering from surgery, half recovered in rooms with houseplants, and half did not. People in rooms with plants had lower systolic blood pressure and lower rating of pain, anxiety and fatigue than did those who were recovering in rooms without plants. Researchers surveyed nearly 450 office workers about their job satisfaction and physical work environment, including the presence of live plants or window views of exterior green spaces. Workers with plants in their offices or with window views reported higher job satisfaction and better overall quality of life than did their peers who had no plants in their offices or window views. In Norway, researchers surveyed 385 office workers about their office environment, perceived stress, sick days taken and job productivity. They found that the more indoor plants a worker had close to his or her desk, the more productive he or she was and the fewer sick days he or she took. -Mayo Clinic-     SpicyJokes.com - www.spicyjokes.com 4179 W Irving Park Rd, Chicago, IL 60641 1995-2008 © All rights reserved. Unsubscribe from SpicyJokes.com sent to dailyjokes@inspiredgfx.com

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A Joke A Day - Funny everyday Jokes

Male Jokes :: #491 By Alicia Mohler from Unknown One man said to the other, "You know, there are really only three kinds of people in the world: those who can count, and those who can't. Forward this joke to your friends >>     Recommendation for You         The All-New Kindle 3G Smaller, Lighter, Faster with 50% Better Contrast and Free 3G Wireless. The most-wished-for, most-gifted, and has the most 5-star reviews of any product ...     Fitness :: #13 By Kate from Chicago USA. Correlation Between Strength Training and Blood Pressure A recent study showed that a consistent weight training program may help lower blood pressure. A group of men and women who participated in a strength-training program for six months noticed a decrease in their resting diastolic blood pressure readings.     aJokeADay.com - www.ajokeaday.com 4179 W Irving Park Rd, Chicago, IL 60641 1995-2008 © All rights reserved. Unsubscribe from aJokeADay.com sent to dailyjokes@inspiredgfx.com

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th November, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th November, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Sisters of St. Francis
-------------------------

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he
notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on
without second thought. Soon he sees another sign, which
says:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for
real. Then he drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the
drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone
building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is
answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may
we do for you, my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along
the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."

"Very well, my son", the nun answers. "Please follow me."

He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite
disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the
man, "Please knock on this door."

He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit,
holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs,
"Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the large
wooden door at the end of this hallway."

He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second
nun's cup.

He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door,
pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he
finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small
sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY
THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT,
YOU SINNER.

-------------------------
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.... eyed!

.... eyed!

A young women visited her eye doctor complaining of failing eyesight.
The doctor sat her in front of a standard eye chart.

Doctor: Can you read the bottom line?

Girl: No.

Doctor: Can you read the center line?

Girl: No.

Doctor: Can you read the large top line?

Girl: No.

Doctor (getting frustrated): Can you even see the chart?

Girl: No.

The doctor is clearly frustrated and whips his penis out of his pants.

Doctor: Can you see this?

Girl: Of course!

Doctor: Well, there's your problem - you're cock-eyed!

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New pick-up lines

New pick-up lines

I'll go out with your best friend's best friend if you go out with my
best friend's best friend.

Have you read the "Jokes2U Pickup Lines" email?

I know this is going to sound like a line, but did that sound like a
line? And are you disappointed?

You look like the type of girl who has heard every line in the book. So
what's one more?

Pardon me, but what pickup line works best with you?

You make me go crazy for Cocoa Puffs.

I stepped in a puddle of love, and you got all over me.

Roses are red, some socks are black, can I be your daddy mac?

I don't normally use pick up lines, but ____(insert any of the above).

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SpicyJokes.com - Funny Everyday jokes

Marriage Jokes :: #17995 By Anonymous from USA. A couple is watching ''Who Wants To Be a Millionaire.'' The husband winks and says, ''Honey, let's go upstairs...'' The wife says, "no". The husband asks again, and again she says no. The husband asks, ''Is that your final answer?'' The wife says yes! The husband says, ''well, can I phone a friend?'' Forward this joke to your friends >>     Recommended for You         Halo Reach The best-selling Xbox game of all time! Players experience the fateful momments that forged the "Halo" legend. It's the story of Noble Team, a squad of heroic Spartan soliders, and their final stand on the planet Reach.     Famous Quote :: #5567 By Anonymous from USA. Reveal Youself "Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within." - James A. Baldwin -     SpicyJokes.com - www.spicyjokes.com 4179 W Irving Park Rd, Chicago, IL 60641 1995-2008 © All rights reserved. Unsubscribe from SpicyJokes.com sent to dailyjokes@inspiredgfx.com

A Joke A Day - Funny everyday Jokes

Miscellaneous Jokes :: #10923 By Lee Elvin from London United Kingdom A young man tutored his sweetheart maths, he thought of it as his mission, he kissed her once then once again and said "There, that's addition!" She took it upon herself to return the pleasant action, she kissed once and once again, smiled and said "and that's subtraction!" Now she'd learned the basics without too much complication, they kissed each other once, then twice, and said "that must be multiplication!" Meanwhile the young lady's father had this 'lesson' in his vision, he kicked that boy ten foot out the door and said "Then that is long division!" Forward this joke to your friends >>     Recommendation for You         The All-New Kindle 3G Smaller, Lighter, Faster with 50% Better Contrast and Free 3G Wireless. The most-wished-for, most-gifted, and has the most 5-star reviews of any product ...     Words of Knowledge :: #1675 By Pennie Dean from my Mum from Sydney Australia True Friendship True Friends are like diamonds, precious and rare. False ones like autumn leaves found everywhere.     aJokeADay.com - www.ajokeaday.com 4179 W Irving Park Rd, Chicago, IL 60641 1995-2008 © All rights reserved. Unsubscribe from aJokeADay.com sent to dailyjokes@inspiredgfx.com

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th November, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th November, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Who Says Men Arn't Sensitive
-------------------------

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up
leaving together. They go back to his place, and as he shows her around his
apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet
cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way
along the floor. Cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher. Huge
enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears,
especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to
him, and actually is quite impressed by this evidence of his sensitive side!

She turns to him, invitingly... they kiss...and then they rip each other's
clothes off and make hot steamy love. After she has this intense night of
passion with this sensitive guy, and they are lying there together in the
afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it for
you?"

The guy yawns: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

-------------------------
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we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
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-------------------------

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SpicyJokes.com - Funny Everyday jokes

Sick Jokes :: #3735 By Sky Monkey Warrior from Cascade Iowa USA. One day a young paratrooper came to visit his father after he had completed training to become a paratrooper and began discussing his training. The young man told his father that training began with us jumping off platforms, each day they got higher and higher until the day came that we got to jump out of a real airplane. The drill sergeant asked for volunteers to go first. The father asked, "Did you volunteer to go?" The young man said "Oh no, I was too scared" Then the father said " what did the drill sergeant do with the people that didn't jump out" "Well" the young man said "the drill sergeant told us that if we didn't jump out he was going to throw us out" The father asked "did he throw you out?" The young man said "Oh no, I held on to the side of that door for dear life I wouldn't let him throw me out for nothing." Then the father asked, "well, then what did the drill sergeant do?" He replied, " The drill sergeant told me that if I didn't jump out he was going to shove his dick up my ass" His dad asked, "Well did you jump?" The young man replied "Well YEAH, a little at first. Forward this joke to your friends >>     Recommended for You         Halo Reach The best-selling Xbox game of all time! Players experience the fateful momments that forged the "Halo" legend. It's the story of Noble Team, a squad of heroic Spartan soliders, and their final stand on the planet Reach.     Famous Quote :: #4739 By Luke Moran from Memphis USA. False Idols "Idolatry is committed not merely by setting up false gods, but also by setting up false devils." ---G.K. Chesterton---     SpicyJokes.com - www.spicyjokes.com 4179 W Irving Park Rd, Chicago, IL 60641 1995-2008 © All rights reserved. Unsubscribe from SpicyJokes.com sent to dailyjokes@inspiredgfx.com