Late-Night Jokes About the BP Oil Spill Disaster in the Gulf
By Daniel Kurtzman, About.com Guide
http://politicalhumor.about.com/od/currentevents/a/oil-spill-jokes.htm
"The BP president said yesterday that the company would survive. That's
like someone running over your dog and saying, 'Don't worry, my car is
fine.'" —Jimmy Fallon
"BP wants Twitter to shut down a fake BP account that is mocking the
oil company. In response, Twitter wants BP to shut down the oil leak
that's ruining the ocean." —Jimmy Fallon
"A new poll found that 43 percent of Americans think President Obama is
doing a good job at handling the BP oil spill. Of course, the same poll
found that 43 percent of Americans hate pelicans." –Jimmy Fallon
"And today at a press conference, Obama said that the government does
not have better technology than BP. That's a nice thing to announce to
the world, that our government has fewer resources than a company that
tried to plug a hole with a 'top hat.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"Well, folks, here's the latest update. I guess this is good news. BP
officials say the 'top kill' plan is working. The bad news — BP
officials are a bunch of lying weasels." –Jay Leno
"In a new interview, BP's CEO said that the Gulf Coast oil spill is
relatively tiny compared to the 'very big ocean.' That's like telling
someone who's just been shot not to worry about the bullet because
they're really, really fat." –Jimmy Fallon
"Scientists say they have developed a car that can run on water. The
only catch is, the water has to come from the Gulf of Mexico." -Jay Leno
"I love this. On the news today, the CEO of British Petroleum says he
believes the overall environmental impact of this oil spill will be
very, very modest. Yeah. If you live in England!" –Jay Leno
"BP has inserted a siphon tube into the well to suck up all the oil
from the spill. And they've had a lot of experience in this area, by the
way. This is the same tube they've been using to suck the money out of
our wallets for the past 50 years." –Jay Leno
"What they're going to do is they're going to suck all of that oil
that's leaking into the gulf and pump it up into a tanker. Now the bad
news is the tanker is the Exxon Valdez." –David Letterman
"In Louisiana, BP claims that it's making progress with the leaking oil
in the Gulf. They're working on a plan to heat the Gulf up to 600
degrees and use it to fry chicken." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Have you been following the big oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? Or as
we call it now, the Dead Sea." –David Letterman
"There is so much oil now in the Gulf of Mexico, and you can thank the
folks of British Petroleum for this, so much oil in the Gulf, you can
now park on it." –David Letterman
"And tar is washing up onto the beaches — big globs of tar. And people
are saying, 'Is that going to ruin our summer at the beach?' No, of
course not. You take the big blobs of tar and you use them to hold down
your blanket." –David Letterman
"This oil spill in the Gulf is affecting everybody. In fact, when I
went to lunch this weekend and ordered the sea bass, they asked if I
wanted it regular or unleaded." —David Letterman
"British Petroleum said today that if this spill gets worse, they may
soon have to start drilling for water." —Jay Leno
"Dick Cheney's pals at Halliburton ... say they're going to do the
underwater cement job to plug the hole. I thought, wait a minute, this
is a mistake. Underwater cement? You call the mafia. Am I right?" —David
Letterman
"The oil company said it was the rig company's fault. The rig company
said it was Halliburton. And somehow, each time they passed the blame,
Goldman Sachs made a hundred million dollars." —Bill Maher
"We're still dropping things on it. This is like if your toilet
overflowed and you tried to fix it by smashing it with a brick. Their
next idea is to get the old lady from Titanic and she's going to throw
her jewelry at it." —Bill Maher, on the oil spill in the Gulf
"You folks been following the big British Petroleum oil spill in the
Gulf of Mexico? I'm telling you, British Petroleum has put more birds in
oil than Colonel Sanders." —David Letterman
"On Monday, British Petroleum promised to pay all necessary cleanup
costs for this oil spill. And they said they will do it, no matter how
much they have to raise gas prices." —Jay Leno
"They say the oil spill has the potential to kill more wildlife than a
Sarah Palin hunting trip." —David Letterman
"This is the worst thing to happen to beaches since the Speedo." —Bill
Maher, on the oil spill on the Gulf of Mexico
"The plan is to contain the oil slick with fire-retardant beams, and
then set fire to the oil that pools on the surface. They say if it works
there in the Gulf, they're going to try it on the cast of Jersey Shore."
—Bill Maher
"By the way, Sarah Palin, if you're watching, how is that offshore
drilling working out for ya?" —David Letterman
"Bad news, it's going to be a huge environmental disaster, the oil rig
down there in the Gulf of Mexico. The good news is they think now that
the oil spill will be diluted by the melting ice caps." —David Letterman
~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman
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