Monday, April 30, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 30th April, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th April, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Bill of Rights
-------------------------

Two lawyers, Bob and Bill, were having a heated
exchange during a trial. The judge asked both
lawyers to approach the bench.

"Your Honor," said Bob, "I objected because my
distinguished colleague Bill was badgering the
witness. It is obvious he has never heard of the
Bill of Rights."

"Rubbish!" snapped Bill. "I happen to know them by heart."

Bob rolled his eyes in disbelief. "Do you now?
Well, Bill, I have a hundred dollars that says
you can't even tell me the first few words."

Bill smirked and accepted the challenge and
began, "I pledge allegiance to the flag..."

"Damn," Bob interrupted, fishing the money from
his pocket, "I didn't think you'd know it."






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Teachers Jokes :: #585
By Anonymous from USA.

A teacher asks her class if anyone can use the word fascinate in a sentence. Brian raises his hand and says, "The sky is fascinating."

The teacher says, "No that's fascinating."

Jennifer raises her hand and says, "When I saw the tigers at the zoo I was fascinated."

The teacher says, "No that's fascinated."

So finally Little Johnny raises his hand and says, "My mom bought a new blouse with 12 pearl buttons, but her tit's are so big she could only fasten eight!




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The Tip of The Day from WisdomTips.com
Safety :: #5107
By Anonymous from USA.

When lightning strikes
If you are caught outdoors during a thunderstorm, follow the 30-30 rule. Seek a safer location immediately if the thunder occurs 30 seconds or less after the lightning. Once the storm has passed, wait at least 30 minutes after the last lightning flash before leaving the shelter.

 
 
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Men Vs. Women Jokes :: #16405
By Laura Harrison from USA.

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."

"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora") because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("el computador") because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time, they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.




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The Tip of The Day from WisdomTips.com
Shopping :: #2094
By KaBid! Online Auctions from Wilmington, NC USA.

Choose your auction payment methods carefully
When shopping online at auction sites, remember to choose carefully which payment methods to use....before you bid. Online auctions have become one of the fastest growing internet businesses to date. But with this explosive growth, and widespread popularity we also see a great deal of fraud. Protect yourself by avoiding sellers that only allow wire transfers and money orders for "big-ticket" items. These payment methods do not allow you any means of refund, should the seller not follow through with the sale. By utilizing a trustworthy payment processor, like PayPal (an ebay company) you leave yourself an open door to refund, if need be. But, always read the fine print. Even these methods are looking to limit the amounts of refund. The very best way to guarantee your safe auction purchase is to use a trusted Escrow Service. Escrow Services are "middle-men companies that will hold your funds from the seller until you give the OK that the item is as described. Then, and only then, will they forward your money to the seller, completing the transaction. There is a small fee for this, and a seller should not mind agreeing to their use....if they're confident in the item being sold. Escrow is typically used on transactions over $400.00. For amounts lower than that, you'll just have to rely on the seller's feedback rating and your good judgement.

 
 
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Sunday, April 29, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th April, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th April, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Smart Alex
-------------------------

Alex was pulled over for speeding down the highway; the officer came to the drivers window and said, "Sir, may I see your drivers license
and registration?" Alex said, "Well officer I don't have a license, it was taken away for a DUI."

The officer, in surprise, said," What, do you have a registration for the vehicle?" So Alex replied, "No sir, the car is not mine I stole it, but I am pretty sure I say a registration card in the glove box when I put the gun in it."

The officer stepped back, "There is a gun in the glove box?!?" The man sighed and said, "Yes sir, I used to kill the woman who owns the car before I stuffed her in the trunk."

The officer steps toward the back of the car and says," Sir do not move, I am calling for backup."

The officer calls for backup and about ten minutes another highway patrolman arrives. He walks up to the window slowly and asks the man for his drivers license
and registration.

Alex said," Yes officer here it right here." It all checked out so the officer said," Is there a gun in the glove box sir?"

Alex laughs and says," No officer why would there be a gun in the glove box." He opened the glove box and showed him that there was no gun.

The second officer asked him to open the trunk because he had reason to believe that there was a body in it. Alex agrees and opens the trunk, no dead body.

The second officer says, "Sir I do not understand, the officer that pulled you over said that you did not have a license, the car was stolen, there was a gun in the glove box, and a dead body in the trunk."

Alex looks the officer in the eyes and says, "Yeah and I'll bet he said I was speeding too."




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Religious Jokes :: #14220
By Anonymous from USA.

One Sunday, a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money. He asked the people to consider donating a little more than usual into the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in the offering.

He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly looking lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front.

Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanks asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."



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The Tip of The Day from WisdomTips.com
Health :: #272
By Kristian Geig from Lauglin USA.

Coffee, Tea, or ?
To reduce your risk of Parkinson disease try brewing up a cup of tea for yourself. Recent studies have stated that although coffee helps reduce the chances of Parkinson disease, two cups of tea per day reduces your risk of Parkinson disease and has important health protective flavonoids that coffee lacks. An added plus is that tea usually has less caffeine in it than coffee. Would you like a spot o´tea my dear?

 
 
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Animal Jokes :: #876
By Hector S. from Chicago IL USA.

Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat. Then he went about his fishing.

An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth...



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The Tip of The Day from WisdomTips.com
Self-Improvement :: #1216
By Sandra from Durham USA.

People Skills
Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect, but that you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.

 
 
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Saturday, April 28, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th April, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th April, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Romance
-------------------------

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting. "

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me."

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you used to bite my neck."

Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

"To get my teeth!"





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Bathroom Graffiti :: #204
By William Collins from USA.

Scratched into the paint of the condom-dispensing machine were these words: "Don't buy this gum, it tastes like rubber."




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The Tip of The Day from WisdomTips.com
Health :: #991
By Larry Mayes from Houston,Texas USA.

Long Life
If you want to live a long life avoid hospitals. More people die in hospitals than anywhere else.

 
 
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Airplane Jokes :: #22302
By Anonymous from USA.

A helicopter carrying passengers suddenly looses engine power and the aircraft begins to decent. The pilot safely performs an emergency landing in water, and tells the passengers to remain seated and to keep the doors closed, stating that in emergency situations, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat for 30 minutes, giving rescuers time to get to them. Just then a man gets out if his seat and runs over to open the door. The pilots screams at him, "Didn't you hear what I said, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat as long as the doors remain closed?!".

"Of course I heard you", the man replied, "but it's also designed to fly, and look how good that one worked out!!"



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The Tip of The Day from WisdomTips.com
Travel :: #649
By Sarah Peterson from New York USA.

Get to know the locals
Wherever you go, locals are the key to finding out the best places to go whether it be for a nice dinner or to a deserted beach. Befriending locals can bring you knowledge of all the secret places that most tourists dream of. Take the time to talk to people and you'll get some good tips on where to go and end up learning a lot more about the places you visit.

 
 
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Friday, April 27, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th April, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th April, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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What A Choice
-------------------------

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say, "Supersex!" She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex!"

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."




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Yo Momma Jokes :: #638
By Anonymous from USA.

Yo momma so stupid that she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order!


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The Tip of The Day from WisdomTips.com
Money :: #692
By Thomas Madoe from USA.

Pay up front


If you're looking to save some cash on your hotel bill, try paying before you go. Some hotels, including some Marriot Hotels offer discounts of up to 50% if you pay two to three weeks in advance. It's called an Advance Purchase Rate and it can save you money!



 
 
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Family Jokes :: #3521
By anynonomous from florida USA.

One day a boy asked his grandpa "grandpa make a frog sound"

The grandfather asked why?

The boy said, "Grandma says when you croak we are going to Hawaii"




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The Tip of The Day from WisdomTips.com
Fitness :: #762
By Alicia from USA.

Getting Kids to Exercise
One of the culprits responsible for the increase in the number of overweight youngsters is a lack of exercise. Here are some tips from fitness expert Dr. Kenneth Cooper and the National Association for Sport and Physical Education on how to get your children moving.

- Offer rewards for exercising, such as tokens they can save to attend a sporting event or theme park.

- Have a "toy run" by hiding small, inexpensive toys along a neighborhood route. Walk or run with your child to pick up the prizes.

- Watch events on TV or movies with a sports theme, such as "The Karate Kid: or "The Rookie," and then try to engage the kids in such an activity.

- Walk or ride a bike with your kids while doing errands.

- Plan birthday parties around a sports theme, such as bowling, miniature golf, or skating.



 
 
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Thursday, April 26, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th April, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th April, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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-------------------------




Note: Sometimes a story comes along that needs no polishing or enhancement
to make it better. This is one of those. It is a real letter submitted to
the IRS the midst of 1995s weird and bizarre denial of dependents,
exemptions and credits. The letter speaks for itself.

Sirs:

I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three
dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return. Thank you!

I have questioned whether or not these are my children for years. They are
evil and expensive. It's only fair that, since they are minors and no longer
my responsibility, the government should know something about them and what
to expect over the next year. Please do not try to reassign them to me next
year and reinstate the deduction. They are yours!

The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest you put
her to work in your office where she can answer people's questions about
their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper
her mastery of any subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze. Next year
she is going to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now be
responsible for that little expense. While you mull that over, keep in mind
that she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment, so you have the choice
of appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle, or
getting up early to drive her to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh
joy! While she possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged
mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of
abstinence, or in the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always
uncomfortable, and I am quite relieved you will be handling this in the
future. May I suggest that you reinstate Dr. Jocelyn Elders who had a rather
good handle on the problem.

Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a little
closer together than those of normal people. He may be a tax examiner
himself one day, if he is not incarcerated first. In February, I was
awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat
home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. In the future, would you like
him delivered to the local IRS office, or to Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do
almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye,
what's the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have plenty of time, as
he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a food fight in the
cafeteria. I'll take care of filing your phone number with the
vice-principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging hormones. This
is the house of testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when he lives
in your home. DO NOT leave him or his friends unsupervised with girls,
explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles, or telephones. (They find
telephones a source of unimaginable amusement. Be sure to lock out the 900
and 976 numbers!)

Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared as if by
magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She came
from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals,
and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you will be raising my
taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses. "Hooked On
Phonics" is expensive, so the schools dropped it. But here's the good news!
You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction that you are
denying me! It's quite obvious that we were terrible parents (ask the other
two). She cannot speak English. Most people under twenty understand the
curious patois she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the
hood/reggae/yuppie/political double speak. The school sends her to a speech
pathologist who has her roll her "r's". It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish
touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, baggy pants, and wants one of
her ears pierced four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that
worries me, but I am sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck when you
come to get her, she sort of "nests" in her room and I think that it would
be easier to move the entire thing than find out what it is really made of.

You denied two of the three exemptions, so it is only fair that you get to
pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest two, I
will still go bankrupt with Kristen's college, but then I am free! If you
take the two oldest, then I still have time for counseling before Heather
becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls, then I won't feel so bad
about putting Patrick in a military academy. Please let me know of your
decision as soon as possible, as I have already increased the withholding on
my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and made a down payment on an
airplane.

Yours truly,
Bob

(Note: The IRS allowed the deductions and reinstated his refund.)





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Body Parts :: #759
By Dianne Renken from Lake City FL United States Minor Outlying Islands

Little Johnny runs into the bathroom just as his mother is stepping out of the shower and curiously points to her triangle of hair and asks: "Mommy what's that?"

somewhat flustered she quickly replies: "Well dear that is my sponge." Content with her answer off he goes...Later he runs into the livingroom and asks "Mommy may I play with your sponge?" again his mother is flustered and quickly states "Why, no you may not, I lost it." O.K. this pacifies him and back out to play. Later Johnny races into the kitchen yelling "Mommy I found the sponge, I found the sponge." Confused the mother asks "You did and where did you find it?"

Johnny proudly stated "The maid is got it and she is washing Daddy's face with it."



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One-Liners :: #1021
By Sandra from USA.

Learning about love
Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss and ends with a tear.

 
 
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