Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 31st July, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 31st July, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Watermelons
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There was a farmer who grew watermelons. He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons.

After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure.
He made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next night, the kids showed up and they saw the sign which read, "Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."

The kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the farmer's sign. When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no watermelons were missing, but the sign next to his read, "Now there are two!"





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Entertainment Jokes :: #19667 By from Unknown A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when a very attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!" Her face was beaming. He gave her that "who are you look," and couldn't remember ever having seen her before. Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized. "Look," she said "I'm really sorry but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children," and walked out of the store. The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, "What the hell is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who fathers her children! " Then he got a little panicky. "I don't remember her," he thought but, MAYBE....during one of the wild parties he had been to when he was in college, perhaps he did father her child! He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, "Are you the girl I met at a party in college and then we got really drunk and had wild crazy sex on the pool table?" "No", she said with a horrified look on her face. "I'm your son's second grade teacher!" Forward this joke to your friends >>   Money :: #1514 By Kendall Bell from USA. Emergency savings Every time you get paid set ten percent aside in savings. If you get shorted on your pay check or get laid off all you need to do is transfer the money.     SpicyJokes.com - www.spicyjokes.com 999 E Touhy Ave, Des Plaines, IL 60018 1995-2011 © All rights reserved. Unsubscribe from SpicyJokes.com sent to dailyjokes@inspiredgfx.com

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Marriage Jokes :: #4454 By Jason Salim from Chattanoga Tennessee USA. A man who was just married was flying to the Florida Keys for a business trip. His new bride was to accompany him the next day. When he got there he E-mailed his wife to let her know he made it there safely. When he sent the E-mail he miss-typed the address. In Boston, a grieving widow, whose husband has recently passed away, receives the E-mail. She reads it, screams, and faints. Hearing her grandmother's cry, the widow's 18-year-old granddaughter runs into the living room to see the computer on with a message. It reads: Dear love, Just got here. Preparing for your arrival tomorrow. Can't wait to see you. Love, Me. P.S. Sure is hot down here. Forward this joke to your friends >>   One-Liners :: #1018 By cindy schurman from snohomish USA. Friends - Enemies Keep your friends close but your enemies closer     aJokeADay.com - www.ajokeaday.com 999 E Touhy Ave, Des Plaines, IL 60018 1995-2011 © All rights reserved. Unsubscribe from aJokeADay.com sent to dailyjokes@inspiredgfx.com

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 30th July, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th July, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Bikini
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While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I
passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least
ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered
buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband's advice.
"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"

"Better get a bikini," he replied.

"You'd never get it all in one."




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Doctors Jokes :: #15369 By Anonymous from USA. A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A 'huge heart' covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the huge heart opened, and the cardiologists' casket rolled inside. The heart then closed sealing the cardiologist within the beautiful heart forever. One of the mourners burst into laughter. When confronted, he said: "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral ---- I'm a gynecologist." At that point, the proctologist fainted. Forward this joke to your friends >>   Interpersonal Skills :: #321 By Zach Howard from San Fernando USA. Create Electricity When talking to others, lean forward to show the other person that you are interested in what they have to say. Sitting up or with a straight back gives off the impression that you are not interested in what they are saying. Next time try leaning forward and you will be amazed at the electricity it will create.     SpicyJokes.com - www.spicyjokes.com 999 E Touhy Ave, Des Plaines, IL 60018 1995-2011 © All rights reserved. Unsubscribe from SpicyJokes.com sent to dailyjokes@inspiredgfx.com

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Bar & Drinking Jokes :: #1088 By Lazarus from British Columbia Canada The Old Man and the Sea A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns to tell their adventures on the seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, hook, and an eye patch. Curious, the seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"  The pirate replies "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off".  "Wow!" said the seaman. "What about the hook"?  "Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand clean off."  "Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"?  "A seagull dropping fell into my eye", replied the pirate.  "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked.  "Well..." said the pirate, "That was my first day with the hook."  Forward this joke to your friends >>   Famous Quote :: #2030 By @accessbee.comJoey from USA. Being Grateful For What You Have In The Present Use your eyes as if tomorrow you would be struck blind: Hear the music of voices, the song of a bird, as if you would be struck deaf. Touch each object as if tomorrow your sense of touch would fail-smell perfume of flowers, taste with relish each morsel as if tomorrow you could never smell or taste again. Helen Keller     aJokeADay.com - www.ajokeaday.com 999 E Touhy Ave, Des Plaines, IL 60018 1995-2011 © All rights reserved. Unsubscribe from aJokeADay.com sent to dailyjokes@inspiredgfx.com

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th July, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th July, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Wooded Ravine
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One fine day, Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball.
The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.

Jim calls out to his golfing partner in an agitated voice, "Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down here."

Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out, "What's the matter Jim?"

Jim shouts back, "Throw me my 7-iron! You can't get out of here with an 8-iron."






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Miscellaneous Jokes :: #22856 By Anonymous from USA. Walking up to the counter in the record store, the luscious young lady asked the man, "Do you have U2's latest?" "What I got for you," the man said, leaning closer, "is an eight-inch schlong." Puzzled, the girl asked, "Is that a record?" "No," the clerk said, "but it's far better than average." Forward this joke to your friends >>   Love Quotes :: #2281 By Timmandria from Memphis USA. Life, love, and choices Life is about love and love is about life you have to make choices so make the choice that's right If you choose to love the wrong love then try another that's right but, even though you don't have love you should still love your life.     SpicyJokes.com - www.spicyjokes.com 999 E Touhy Ave, Des Plaines, IL 60018 1995-2011 © All rights reserved. Unsubscribe from SpicyJokes.com sent to dailyjokes@inspiredgfx.com

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Animal Jokes :: #234 By Mark O. from Unknown A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says, "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately." The guy says okay, and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins -- and they're all wearing sunglasses. He pulls the guy over and demands, "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?" The guy replies, "I did. Today I'm taking them to the beach!" Forward this joke to your friends >>   One-Liners :: #4106 By Joel B from Brisbane Australia Old Age There is no shame in growing old as the only other alternative is to die young.     aJokeADay.com - www.ajokeaday.com 999 E Touhy Ave, Des Plaines, IL 60018 1995-2011 © All rights reserved. Unsubscribe from aJokeADay.com sent to dailyjokes@inspiredgfx.com

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th July, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th July, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Smart A$$ Professor
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Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked
to tell "naughty" stories during class, a
group of female students decided that the
next time he started to tell one, they would
all rise and leave the room in protest. The
professor, however, got wind of their scheme
just before class the following day, so he
bided his time. Then, halfway through the
lecture, he began."They say there is quite a
shortage of prostitutes in France."

The girls looked at one another, arose and
started for the door.

"Young ladies," said
the professor with a broad smile, "the next
plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."






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Blonde Jokes :: #14278 By Anonymous from USA. One day a blonde walked into a second hand store and asked the clerk "How much is that TV in the window?" The man said, "I'm sorry. I don't sell stuff to blondes." So She walked out. The next day she came in as a red head. She asked how much the TV was in the window again. And again he said he didn't sell things to blondes. The next day she came in again and asked for the third time how much the TV was. The man said "FOR THE FINAL TIME I DONT SALE STUFF TO BLONDES!!" She said, "How did you know I was a blonde?" He said, "That's not a TV, It's a microwave!!!!!" Forward this joke to your friends >>   Words of Knowledge :: #4083 By Adam T. Mack from Laingsburg USA. Exploration Exploration and the will to discover new things, is critical in finding knowledge. Once knowledge is found, the window to wisdom is exposed. When knowledge and wisdom find each other through this window, understanding reflects back at both. This understanding is the key to finding love as well as happiness.     SpicyJokes.com - www.spicyjokes.com 999 E Touhy Ave, Des Plaines, IL 60018 1995-2011 © All rights reserved. Unsubscribe from SpicyJokes.com sent to dailyjokes@inspiredgfx.com

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Men Vs. Women Jokes :: #2455 By Rachel from USA. A man found a magic genie who would grant him one wish. The man said to the genie," I wish that I had a non-stop bridge from here to Hawaii." The genie said," I'm sorry, but that's going to be very hard. Do you have another wish?" The man answered, "Of course! I want the power to understand all women." The genie thought for a minute. He replied, "How many platforms did you want on that bridge?" Forward this joke to your friends >>   Famous Quote :: #51 By Peter Prestipino from Chicago USA. QUOTE: Success, Emerson "To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; to leave the world a little better; whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is the meaning of success." -Ralph Waldo Emerson     aJokeADay.com - www.ajokeaday.com 999 E Touhy Ave, Des Plaines, IL 60018 1995-2011 © All rights reserved. Unsubscribe from aJokeADay.com sent to dailyjokes@inspiredgfx.com

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th July, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th July, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Jack Daniels Fishing Story
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I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait.


Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.



A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. It was that snake, with two more frogs.



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Sex Jokes :: #344 By from USA. A couple takes their son on vacation to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water. The son comes running up to his mom and says, "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!" The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got Forward this joke to your friends >>   Miscellaneous :: #3192 By Emily M from USA. Inferiority "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." - Eleanor Roosevelt -     SpicyJokes.com - www.spicyjokes.com 999 E Touhy Ave, Des Plaines, IL 60018 1995-2011 © All rights reserved. Unsubscribe from SpicyJokes.com sent to dailyjokes@inspiredgfx.com

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Elderly Jokes :: #464 By Sunil from London Unknown Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again." To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will five times!" Forward this joke to your friends >>   Famous Quote :: #51 By Peter Prestipino from Chicago USA. QUOTE: Success, Emerson "To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; to leave the world a little better; whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is the meaning of success." -Ralph Waldo Emerson     aJokeADay.com - www.ajokeaday.com 999 E Touhy Ave, Des Plaines, IL 60018 1995-2011 © All rights reserved. Unsubscribe from aJokeADay.com sent to dailyjokes@inspiredgfx.com