Monday, December 31, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 31st December, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 31st December, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Sign
-------------------------

A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't
getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and
bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his
office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had
taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign
back!"






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The Spicy Joke of The Day
Lawyer Jokes :: #468
By Anonymous from USA.

"It was so cold last week that I saw several lawyers with their hands in their own pockets."


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The Tip of The Day from WisdomTips.com
Health :: #148
By Bill Peterson from Akron USA.

Protein diets
Protein may be causing you to pack on the pounds. One of the latest reports states that this might be true. A high intake of protein may lead to a high body mass index. For optimum health, limit your amount of protein intake to about 15% of your daily calories and use complex carbohydrates (fruits and vegetables) as your menu mainstay.

 
 
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Clean Joke of the Day

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receive clean, Christ honoring humor simply by visiting
http://www.cleanjokeoftheday.com
************************************************************

Howdy Daily, it's me, Joe Cosity here!

Anna: Jett, Didn't you borrow $50 a few weeks ago from me?

Jett: Yes, I did. And I wrote a note to myself to pay you back.

Anna: Well?

Jett: I guess I forgot to mail the note.

"The wicked borrows but does not pay back, but the righteous is generous and gives." -Psalm 37:21

"It is better that you should not vow than that you should vow and not pay." -Ecclesiastes 5:5
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

We are under constant obligation to live for God; no vow can make it more so. Yet, there may be cases in which we should bind ourselves to take up some particular cross, to perform some particular duty, to forego some particular attachment that does not tend to bring our souls nearer to God. Then, if fully determined, and strong in faith relative to the point, bind and hold fast; but if not fully, rationally, and conscientiously determined, "do not suffer thy mouth to cause thy soul to sin."

I'm glad you could join me for today's content, and I look
forward to bringing you more next time!

Until then, bye-bye!
Joe Cosity

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Email: joe@christfocus.com

***********************************************************
Clean Joke of the Day exists to proclaim the truth of God, Jesus Christ, through emotional encouragement and spiritual exhortation.

Reminder: Joe Cosity is only a fictitious person, the result of imagination. Therefore, events depicted in this newsletter as real are actually either partially or completely made up to help you laugh. To contact Joe, simply send an email to:
joe@christfocus.com
***********************************************************

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The Joke of The Day
Male Jokes :: #21429
By Anonymous from USA.

A man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'

So he tied her up and went golfing.




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The Tip of The Day from WisdomTips.com
Relationships :: #586
By Bjorn from Stockholm Sweden

Don't fear the new family
Never believe in what people tell you about the core family. There are no natural constellations that are better than others. Instead always look to the best of yourself or your children. Remember, a non-traditional family living in harmony is always better than a traditional family where your children or you suffer. Two mothers, two fathers, new mother, new father - the only thing that matters is a safe, positive environment for you and your children..

 
 
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Sunday, December 30, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 30th December, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th December, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Frying Eggs
-------------------------

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving!"





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The Spicy Joke of The Day
Bathroom Graffiti :: #825
By Sheebie from New York USA.

He who writes on bathroom walls, roll their turds in little balls; those who read these words of wit, eat these little balls of shit.


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The Tip of The Day from WisdomTips.com
Famous Quote :: #436
By Wayne Armburst from Little Rock USA.

True patriotism
True patriotism hates injustice in its own land more than anywhere else.

- Clarence Darrow

 
 
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The Joke of The Day
Military Jokes :: #696
By Mark from USA.

One reason the Military Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language. For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors. The Army would occupy the building so no one could enter. Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat. The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.


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The Tip of The Day from WisdomTips.com
Famous Quote :: #2327
By Mike Swindlehurst from Bournemouth United Kingdom

Another of Sam's
"A verbal contract isn't worth the paper that it's written on"

- Samuel Goldwyn -

 
 
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Saturday, December 29, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th December, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th December, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Alabama Preacher and the KKK
-------------------------

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.

This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.

I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness From God and this Christian Family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.

I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared!




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The Spicy Joke of The Day
International Jokes :: #22716
By from Unknown



 The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. 

 

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". 

 

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. 

 

There will be growing publikenthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

 

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. 

 

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. 

 

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. 

 

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". 

 

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vordskontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. 

 

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

 

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas. 

 

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl. 

 

 

 




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The Tip of The Day from WisdomTips.com
Interpersonal Skills :: #3536
By SHoo from Mililani USA.

Types of People
There are three types of people in this world. Those that make things happen, those that watch things happen, and those that wonder what happened.

 
 
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Clean Joke of the Day

If this was forwarded to you, you can subscribe yourself and
receive clean, Christ honoring humor simply by visiting
http://www.cleanjokeoftheday.com
************************************************************

Howdy Daily, it's me, Joe Cosity here!

In a small town I was recently visiting, where accents run
thick, there was a Nativity Scene that showed much great
skill and talent had gone into it's creation.

However, one small feature about the scene bothered me. The
three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.

As I was leaving town, I stopped at a gas station to fuel up.
With my curiosity getting the best of me, I asked the lady
behind the counter about the helmets.

"Haven't you never read the Bible!" she asked me.

I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything
about the wise men being associated with firemen in the Bible.

She pulled her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled
through some pages, finally finding her desired passage.

Showing it to me, she said, "See, it says right here, 'The
three wise man came from afar.'"
-----------------------------------------------------------

Now when Jesus was born in Bethlehem of Judaea in the days
of Herod the king, behold, there came wise men from the east
to Jerusalem, saying, Where is he that is born King of the
Jews? for we have seen his star in the east, and are come to
worship him.

When Herod the king had heard these things, he was troubled,
and all Jerusalem with him. And when he had gathered all the
chief priests and scribes of the people together, he
demanded of them where Christ should be born.

And they said unto him, In Bethlehem of Judaea: for thus it
is written by the prophet, and thou Bethlehem, in the land
of Juda, art not the least among the princes of Juda: for
out of thee shall come a Governor, that shall rule my people
Israel.

Then Herod, when he had privily called the wise men,
enquired of them diligently what time the star appeared. And
he sent them to Bethlehem, and said, Go and search diligently
for the young child; and when ye have found him, bring me
word again, that I may come and worship him also.

When they had heard the king, they departed; and, lo, the
star, which they saw in the east, went before them, till it
came and stood over where the young child was. When they saw
the star, they rejoiced with exceeding great joy.

And when they were come into the house, they saw the young
child with Mary his mother, and fell down, and worshipped
him: and when they had opened their treasures, they presented
unto him gifts; gold, and frankincense, and myrrh. And being
warned of God in a dream that they should not return to Herod,
they departed into their own country another way.

And when they were departed, behold, the angel of the Lord
appeareth to Joseph in a dream, saying, Arise, and take the
young child and his mother, and flee into Egypt, and be thou
there until I bring thee word: for Herod will seek the young
child to destroy him.

When he arose, he took the young child and his mother by
night, and departed into Egypt: and was there until the death
of Herod: that it might be fulfilled which was spoken of the
Lord by the prophet, saying, Out of Egypt have I called my
son. -Matthew 2:1

I'm glad you could join me for today's content, and I look
forward to bringing you more next time!

Until then, bye-bye!
Joe Cosity

P.S. If you wish to leave, please click here:
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Clean Joke of the Day is a ministry supported by faith. You can be a part of this ministry too, through prayer and financial giving. Simply mail your comments or gifts to the following address:

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Phone: 405-200-1692
Web: http://www.cleanjokeoftheday.com
Email: joe@christfocus.com

***********************************************************
Clean Joke of the Day exists to proclaim the truth of God, Jesus Christ, through emotional encouragement and spiritual exhortation.

Reminder: Joe Cosity is only a fictitious person, the result of imagination. Therefore, events depicted in this newsletter as real are actually either partially or completely made up to help you laugh. To contact Joe, simply send an email to:
joe@christfocus.com
***********************************************************

Clean Joke of the Day is never sent unsolicited. Your email address is receiving this communication because you visited http://cleanjokeoftheday.com and manually signed up for this communication, or someone else has manually subscribed you (that's not good:)

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The Joke of The Day
Question / Answer Jokes :: #13985
By Jeremy Williams from Corning AR USA.



Q: Why did the man fall off the building?

A: He tripped.




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The Tip of The Day from WisdomTips.com
Famous Quote :: #96
By John Forman from London United Kingdom

Success
"Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever."

- Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821)

 
 
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Friday, December 28, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th December, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th December, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Inside Info
-------------------------

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest
in his paintings on display at that time.

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good
news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and
wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When
I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad
news?"

"The guy was your doctor."






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The Spicy Joke of The Day
Elderly Jokes :: #16423
By Anonymous from USA.

Son: Mom, hi. How are you? How's everything in Florida?

Mom: Not too good. I've been weak.

Son: Why are you weak?

Mom: Never mind.

Son: What's wrong?

Mom: Never mind. It's okay.

Son: Why are you weak, Mom?

Mom: I haven't eaten in thirty days.

Son: That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten?

Mom: Because I didn't want my mouth to be fill with food if you should call!




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The Tip of The Day from WisdomTips.com
Health :: #157
By Julie Johnson from Jefferson USA.

Grapes in oil
Cooking food with olive oil is not the only way to lower cholesterol levels; grape seed oil is a flavorsome alternative with added health benefits. Grape seed oil is high in antioxidants, vitamin E, and has the ability to raise HDL (good) cholesterol levels and lower LDL (bad) cholesterol levels like that of olive oil. The effect is due to the oil's poly- and monounsaturated fat content. Also, the slight nutty flavor of this oil complements other foods such as salads, breads, and vegetables.

 
 
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Clean Joke of the Day

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http://www.cleanjokeoftheday.com
************************************************************

Howdy Daily, it's me, Joe Cosity here!

A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping.
It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her.
Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm.... That's funny.
When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are
twenty $1 bills."

The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time
I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a
reward."
-----------------------------------------------------------

But without faith it is impossible to please him: for he
that cometh to God must believe that he is, and that he is a
rewarder of them that diligently seek him. -Hebrews 11:6

I'm glad you could join me for today's content, and I look
forward to bringing you more next time!

Until then, bye-bye!
Joe Cosity

P.S. If you wish to leave, please click here:
Not interested in receiving more? Click here:
http://www.clean-joke-of-the-day.net/mail/rem.php?u=e1b73fa
or visit http://www.cleanjokeoftheday.com

P.S. Jesus has a message for you: http://christfocus.com

Clean Joke of the Day is a ministry supported by faith. You can be a part of this ministry too, through prayer and financial giving. Simply mail your comments or gifts to the following address:

Clean Joke of the Day
4 NE 10th St, PMB #262
Oklahoma City, OK 73104

Phone: 405-200-1692
Web: http://www.cleanjokeoftheday.com
Email: joe@christfocus.com

***********************************************************
Clean Joke of the Day exists to proclaim the truth of God, Jesus Christ, through emotional encouragement and spiritual exhortation.

Reminder: Joe Cosity is only a fictitious person, the result of imagination. Therefore, events depicted in this newsletter as real are actually either partially or completely made up to help you laugh. To contact Joe, simply send an email to:
joe@christfocus.com
***********************************************************

Clean Joke of the Day is never sent unsolicited. Your email address is receiving this communication because you visited http://cleanjokeoftheday.com and manually signed up for this communication, or someone else has manually subscribed you (that's not good:)

Clean Joke of the Day is a recurring email that is sent 6 times every week. If you wish to leave this publication, please visit http://cleanjokeoftheday.com and type your email address into the subscribe form, select "remove"
from the drop down box, and click submit. Alternatively, you can also click on the remove link in the first P.S.




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The Joke of The Day
Programmers Jokes :: #15889
By Curtis Aikens from St. Albert Alberta Canada

Q: How come legacy programmers get Halloween and Christmas confused?

A: Because Oct 31 = Dec 25 (Octal 31 = Decimal 25)



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The Tip of The Day from WisdomTips.com
Love Quotes :: #3312
By R.RAMACHANDRA RAO from HYDERABAD India

Throwing kisses
People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.

- BOB HOPE -

 
 
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Thursday, December 27, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th December, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th December, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Dear Abby
-------------------------

Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your
advice on what could be a crucial decision.
I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
It's the usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.
My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently - although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."
I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the street.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just don't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

I decided I was going to park my boat next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home.
It was at that moment, crouching behind my boat, that I noticed that the lower unit seemed to be leaking a little oil.
Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?

Worried Sick in Indiana





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