Thursday, May 31, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 31st May, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 31st May, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Addicted
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Signs Your Partner is Addicted to Internet Porn

1. During foreplay, he's always double-clicking your G-spot.

2. His new computer includes a DVD-ROM drive, a 56k modem, and a tissue
dispenser.

3. When she wants you to take off your pants, she says, "Scroll down."

4. Tells everyone he's a pioneer in "palm computing."

5. He's suing Playboy.com for repetitive stress injuries.

6. When he sees a hot babe, he wryly says, "Boy, I'd like to click on her."

7. You look deep into his eyes and see a faint image of Asia Carrera burned
into his corneas.

8. As you undress, he takes out his credit card and tells you his birthday.

9. During sex, he shouts, "Refresh! Refresh!"





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Marriage Jokes :: #10900
By Anonymous from USA.

A man has six children and he is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and he wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "shall we go home, Mother of Six?" His wife irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts back, "anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"




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The Tip of The Day from WisdomTips.com
Education :: #2322
By Mike Swindlehurst from Bournemouth United Kingdom

Definition of Education
Education is what is left after you have forgotten all that you have been taught.

 
 
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The Joke of The Day
Miscellaneous Jokes :: #16762
By Anonymous from USA.

A new business was opening, and one of the owner's friends sent flowers for the occasion. But when the owner read the card with the flowers, it said. "Rest in Peace"

The owner was little upset and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist about the obvious mistake, the florist said, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rater than getting angry, you should imagine this: Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, "Congratulations on you new location."




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The Tip of The Day from WisdomTips.com
Love & Dating :: #2428
By JKB from Charleston USA.

On Looking For Love
"There is someone for everyone, even if you need a pick-axe, a compass, and night goggles to find them."

--Steve Martin--



 
 
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Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 30th May, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th May, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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My Daughter is a Good Girl
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A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter's swollen abdomen.

It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!"

The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.

The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.

The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"

"Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came.

I was hoping they'd show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!"




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Criticism :: #390
By Anonymous from USA.

There was an old man, a boy and a donkey. They were going to town and it was decided that the boy should ride.As they went along they passed some people who thought that it was a shame for the boy to ride and the old man to walk. The man and boy decided that maybe the critics were right so they changed positions. Soon they passed some more people who thought that it was a real shame for that man to make such a small boy walk. The two decided that maybe they both should walk. Soon they passed some more people who thought that it was stupid to walk when they had a donkey to ride. The man and the boy decided maybe the critics were right so they decided that they both should ride. They soon passed other people who thought that it was a shame to put such load on a poor little animal. The old man and the boy decided that maybe the critics were right so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed a bridge they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned. The moral of this story: If you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ass.




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The Tip of The Day from WisdomTips.com
Automotive :: #80
By Martin from Brea USA.

Check your tires for proper inflation
Underinflation wastes fuel - your engine has to work harder to push the vehicle. Wheels that are out-of-line (as evidenced by uneven tread wear or vehicle pulling) make the engine work harder, too. Properly maintained tires will last longer, meaning fewer scrap tires have to be disposed.



 
 
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The Joke of The Day
Idiots Jokes :: #29
By John Holmes from Unknown

Lunatics

Three lunatics approach their Asylum doctor with a request for a weekend pass to the local city. "That's impossible says the doctor. You're all nuts. You'll get lost and never come back." But, the lunatics wouldn't relent until finally, exasperated, the doctor says "OK! If you can answer a simple question I'll sign the pass." He turns to the first lunatic and says "What's three times three?" The lunatic starts counting on his fingers "3, 7, 19, 38?. Is it 128?" The doctor shakes his head and turns to the next lunatic: "What's three times three?" The lunatic immediately shouts "WEDNESDAY!" The doctor, beginning to get disgusted turns to the last lunatic: What's three times three?" The lunatic thinks for a moment and then asks for a pencil and a piece of paper. That provided, she writes for some time furiously, and finally looks up and says "Nine." The doctor is amazed, but true to his word he begins filling out the pass. As he's writing he says "This is incredible, you've always been thoroughly insane. How'd you do it?" The lunatic responds, "Oh, it was easy I divided 128 by Wednesday!"



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The Tip of The Day from WisdomTips.com
Weight Control :: #107
By Claire Genet from Smithville USA.

Slowing Down
When opting for permanent weight loss, slow and steady wins the race. Both physiologist and psychologist alike back up this ideology. Physiologically, rapid weight loss usually is triggered by starvation, which sets off the fat storing mechanisms. Psychologically, it does not give one time to adjust to a new lifestyle or a new way to loss weight healthily.

 
 
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Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Aha! Jokes Laughing Gas Newsletter for May 29th

Aha!Jokes Laughing Gas Newsletter for May 29, 2012!
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Caught Speeding

The cop got out of his car and the kid, that was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window.

"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

The guy replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Crazy Laws - Connecticut

You can be stopped by the police for biking over 65 miles per hour.

In order for a pickle to officially be considered a pickle, it must bounce.

It is illegal to dispose of used razor blades.

It is illegal to discharge a firearm from a public highway.

In New Britain CT, It is illegal for fire trucks to exceed 25mph, even when going to a fire.

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th May, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th May, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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John the Farmer
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John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business.
He had several hundred young layers (hens), called
pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to
fertilize the eggs. The farmer kept records and any
rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and
was replaced.

That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set
of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each
bell had a different tone so John could tell from a
distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could
sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report
simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very
fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular
morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at
all! John went to investigate. The other roosters
were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets,
hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

BUT, to Farmer John's amazement, Butch had his bell in
his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a
pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John
was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the county
fair.

Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result: the judges not only awarded Butch the
"No BellPiece Prize" but they also awarded him the
"Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly Butch was a Politician in the making. Who
else but a politician could figure out how to win two
of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by
being the best at sneaking up on the populace and
screwing them when they weren't paying attention?




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Lawyer Jokes :: #460
By Anonymous from USA.

The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. A local volunteer calls to solicit his donation, saying "our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you do not give one penny to charity! Wouldn't you like to give back to your community through The United Way?"

The lawyer thinks for a moment and says: "First, did your research show that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and has huge medical bills far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh, no."

"Secondly, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology but is cut off.

"Thirdly, that my sister's husband died in a dreadful traffic accident", the lawyers voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children?"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says simply, "I had no idea."

The lawyer then says"...and if I don't give any money to THEM, why should I give any to you?




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The Tip of The Day from WisdomTips.com
Love & Dating :: #1135
By Don M. from Staten Island USA.

Love is a Rose
Love is a rose you must nurture and let blossom. But once you try to possess love, like a rose cut from its bush, it will eventually die.

 
 
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The Joke of The Day
Entertainment Jokes :: #10098
By Xing Xing from Vancouver BC Canada

It was a stormy night. A guy was driving in some mountains and his car broke down. He stopped it by a tree and walked down the highway looking for help. A headlight started to approach him from behind. He turned back and noticed a car coming forth very slowly. He walked up to it, opened the door, and sat on the passenger's seat. Then he suddenly notices that there was no driver, but the car was moving!

Before the guy could decide what to do, a sharp turn appeared a few meters before the car and it seemed that the car was going to go off the cliff. The guy trembled in fright, but a pale hand came in from the open window and turned the steering wheel! When the car finished turning around the curve, the hand withdrew. Every time there was a turn, the same hand would come in and guide the wheels of the car to safety.

The guy could not believe all this. As soon as he saw the lights of some rest stop by the road he jumped off the car and ran into a bar, pale, wet, trembling, and telling everybody that he had a most creepy, supernatural experience.

Then two young men dripping in mud came into the bar. One saw the guy and said, "Hey, that's the stupid fellow that got in our car while were pushing."




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The Tip of The Day from WisdomTips.com
Famous Quote :: #51
By Peter Prestipino from Chicago USA.

QUOTE: Success, Emerson
"To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; to leave the world a little better; whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is the meaning of success."

-Ralph Waldo Emerson



 
 
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Monday, May 28, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th May, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th May, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Accident
-------------------------

After his legs had been broken in an accident, Mr. Miller sued for damages,
claiming that he was crippled and would have to spend the rest of his life
in a wheelchair.

Although the insurance company doctor testified that his bones had healed
properly and that he was fully capable of walking, the judge decided for the
plaintiff and awarded him $500,000.

When he was wheeled into the insurance company office to collect his check,
Miller was confronted by several executives. "You're not getting away with
this, Miller," one said. "We're going to watch you day and night. If you
take a single step, you'll not only repay the damages but stand trial for
perjury. Here's the money. What do you intend to do with it?"

"My wife and I are going to travel," Miller replied. "We'll go to Stockholm,
Berlin, Rome, Athens and, finally, to a place called Lourdes--where,
gentlemen, you'll see yourselves one hell of a miracle!"






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Elderly Jokes :: #85
By Tom Lee from USA.

An elderly woman went into the doctor's office.

When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."

Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 72 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"

The woman responded, They help me sleep better.

The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"

The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night."




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The Tip of The Day from WisdomTips.com
Words of Knowledge :: #230
By Emily Pierce from Sidney Canada

Live Fully
Most people hold onto the past, look forward to the future, and do not

embrace the present. Only those who can appreciate what they have now live fully.

--Tsai Chih

 
 
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