Here are the key indicators of when the honeymoon period has finished.
1. Addictions
Before: You tell her you don't mind the occasional cold beer on a hot
day with your mates, and that you've taken recreational drugs but those
days are well and truly over.
After: For the fifth night in a row you stagger in blotto, dig out your
stash and mull up, pass out in the lounge in your underpants and expect
her to accept that you're just being you.
2. Bodily functions
Before: You spray aerosol after a crap; piss on the side of the bowl to
reduce noise and never, ever fart in her presence.
After: You fart in front of her with impunity and obvious pride,
commenting on the food intake for the day and speculating on the
resultant odor.
Despite repeated pleas to the contrary, you fart in bed and hold her
head under the covers. You think it's hilarious.
3. Relations/Friends
Before: Her auntie Jane is a real character with a lively personality
and interesting views about politics, and her unemployed girlfriend
Amanda is a genuine, charming supportive friend who you think is really
nice.
After: Auntie Jane is a loud-mouthed, pain-in-the-ass with all the
personality of a cold sore. Amanda is a manipulative loser, but you
wouldn't mind doing her if the opportunity arose.
4. Sex
Before: Sex is a sweat-soaked, gymnastic romp that lasts for hours. You
screw to impress, using all your tricks - your renowned tit grope,
marathon oral sex sessions, and jackhammer-like screwing. Screwing four
times a day is not uncommon.
After: A wank is often preferable to the effort of sex. When you do
have sex, you think about Amanda.
5. Attention span
Before: Her words are hypnotic; her wit is incisive; her anecdotes
about her life pre-you are spellbinding. Over candlelight and coffee you
listen with interest and politely chortle as she recounts stories of her
childhood.
After: Your eyes glaze over as soon as she mentions anything that
doesn't involve you. What's more, you develop the uncanny ability to be
able to concentrate on the T.V and listen to her at the same time. The
phrase, "Are you listening to me?" becomes an evening mantra.
Overall Evaluation
Before: She thinks you are witty, disciplined, a sexual athlete,
attentive, loving, faithful and devoid of all crass male habits which
have plagued her previous relationships .....but she suspects that
you're full of shit.
After: She KNOWS you're full of shit!!
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